Are You Suffocating Your Flame?

One day a couple of months ago I started thinking about the possibility of going back to school. I have been interested in going back for a couple of years now but had wandered from niche to niche trying to discover what I was most passionate about. I received my Bachelor’s in Psychology back in 2006 and have not really done anything with it since.

After graduating I decided I wanted to take a year from school and just live and enjoy myself without any added pressure for once in my life. I swore I was not going to be one of those people who said they were going to take a year and never come back… I felt really determined that going back to school was my goal and I was going to return. Well a year has turned into 7 years.

After years and years of entering job after job, starting but never finishing venture after venture, I have come to discover that I have been subconsciously scared of my success. Sounds kinda silly huh? But it’s actually quite common for many people.  Especially the closer you get to achieving your goals. Most people can relate to feeling scared of failure but I believe the two definitely go hand in hand. As much as some of us are afraid of not being good enough, we can also be afraid to shine our light bright. But why?

We feel we don’t deserve it. We are scared of change. We feel guilty because others around us aren’t achieving. We feel like once we reach success, we don’t be able to sustain it. We want to avoid being seen as show-offs or conceited. There is fear that others will envy or hate us, which in turn will leave us lonely and unloved. . The thing is, we witness things like envy and hate on others everyday, sometimes we’re even the ones judging. 

I know that change creates more change and I worry that if I change, the relationships around me can’t help but change as well. The fear comes from not knowing how and this fear creates a sort of suffering. The thing is I feel like once we have experienced growth and witnessed miracles, we create more suffering by NOT changing. The light is lit inside but we spend so much energy covering it or hiding it, afraid that it’ll be put out, that we are doing nothing but suffocating it, stealing the oxygen it needs to grow, in return slowly putting it out ourselves.  

As with everything, there is always a pay-off we are receiving that keeps us continuing the path we do, even if they act is a bad one. What is my pay-off for remaining powerless? “At least I can control the situation more” “I can’t lose if I don’t try” “No worry about obtaining success and not knowing what to do with it” “I can save my money instead of risk losing it” “My relationships with people can stay the same” and one of the biggest pay-offs being, “I am comfortable and don’t have to feel vulnerable”.

Once you identify your fears, you can start to work through them and surrender to the outcome.  I looked into the University of Santa Monica back in June of this year. I attended an introduction into their program of Spiritual Psychology. I had never been so amazed in my life that a program like theirs exists. It was RIGHT up my alley. Everything I believe in, work towards, want to achieve,..all taught and mastered through their Masters Program. And what?? I can get a Masters too?!?!? Sounded so good to be true. I immediately knew that it was something I had to go through with. I have never felt so alive and motivated upon leaving that meeting. I just KNEW that school was for me. I even was mad I had not found or heard of it sooner. (BUT I also know if I had, I wouldn’t have been in the place I am in now to appreciate it).

I came home and couldn’t stop smiling, knowing that I had discovered my next step.  Hmmmm, now to take it. THAT was the challenge. I started my registration form and then all the fears come creeping into my head. “How am I going to pay for this?” “What if I can’t get three letters of recommendation?” “Will I be able to do this, work, get married, have more kids, and maintain the home at the same time?” “What if I don’t get in?” “What if I commit and then can’t continue” “Is this really reasonable?” I’ll admit some of those fears were powered by fear of failure, but because of how powerful I felt in my heart about this program, I realized more of it was coming out of my fear of actually coming to a successful place along my path.

I have had a lot of ideas over the years, started a lot of ventures of my own, but never fully following through with any of them. Over the last 3 months I saw this going down the same road.  Having been immersed in the things I love and continuing to grow over the years, witness the miracles that happen to others that are conquering their fears, even being a huge part of that very process in others lives. I have become nothing but more and more passionate about what I want to be doing with my life. I KNOW that I don’t want to settle. And I have come to truly believe that once you know this TRUTH, there is no looking back. There is no giving up. There is no backing down. As much as you try to cover that light, your passion becomes its gasoline and if you don’t move your hands, it will burn you eventually, forcing you to get out of your own way, until it can do nothing less than SHINE the way it’s meant to.

Classes start in the beginning of October. “Maybe next year will work out better” “Next year will only come with different excuses”. The fears that were stopping me from moving forwards were slowly becoming trumped by my fears of how I will feel if I don’t move forward. I came to an epiphany that the ONLY thing in my way was myself. It wasn’t money, it wasn’t support, it wasn’t time. It was just me and my limiting thoughts. And I CONTROL that. FEAR isn’t real. Grasping that thought is one of the most powerful realizations one can have. I have seen over and over miracles happen through the faith of letting go and surrendering. Why would it be different with me in this instance? How will I know if I don’t try? I believe things will work out exactly how they are supposed to. If anything, I needed this space to realize how powerful I truly am. I’ll take it!

This week I am finishing up with the application process. I got my transcripts sent, 2 of 3 letters of recommendations sent so far, finishing up my essay, and paying for my deposit. I felt the fear and I’m doing it anyway. The pure intentions are there, the flame of passion is burning, now all I have to do is SHOW UP!  This is it!!!! This is the moment, yet again, where changes will take place and life will open up. IM READY!!!

I leave you with a favorite quote:

 MarianneWilliamsom-Quote

Are you suffocating your light? What can you do to let it shine today?

Vulnerability leads to connection. Connections allows us to see we aren’t alone. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your thoughts or story in the comments section below so that you can open the opportunity for a connection with someone else

xoxo,

barista

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Quote

Your Thoughts Are Your Destiny

” Keep your Thoughts positive because

you Thoughts become your words. 

Keep your Words positive because

your Words become your Behaviors

Keep your Behaviors positive because

your Behaviors become your Habits

Keep your Habits positive because 

your Habits become your Values

Keep your Values positive because 

your Values become your Destiny

-Gandhi

Photo Credit: Kirsty-yoga-marbella.com

Photo Credit: Kirsty-yoga-marbella.com

May Cause Miracles: Week 5 Part 1

save_moneyWell I am finally done with week 5. I spent a good 2 weeks there. I got really busy and found myself not focusing so much on the week as I wanted to so I decided to stay in the week longer, I even actually started it all over when I was half way through because I had missed a few days.

This week was about MONEY. How your SELF WORTH determines your NET WORTH. I know I had a huge issue with money and really spent some time noticing all my fears these last two weeks surrounding money. Money does have a bit of control over me as I am constantly worried about spending too much, not having enough, or trying to avoid debt. I also have become more aware of where my money issues started (when I was young) and how I am already effecting my son and his feelings revolving money.

I grew up in a suburban city called Pleasanton where most people are pretty well off. I lived with my single mother and we were probably on the lower end of the spectrum when it came to our status. I would say she was middle class as, especially now looking back, you somewhat had to be to be able to afford to live there. I grew up having a lot of friends that had a lot more than me and it would be hard sometimes not being able to afford the same things or do the same things as they did. Because of this, when I think about my childhood and how I grew up in relation to money, I know a lot of issues especially involving my self-esteem came from not feeling comparable to my peers.

I remember an experience that stuck out for me was the first time tried out for soccer team. I made  the traveling team which usually costs a lot more than the regular team. I remember begging my mom to let me play and I we just couldn’t afford it so I had to turn down the opportunity. I had made the team a few times after that and once was almost allowed to play but then still couldn’t because of money. I remember just feeling super bummed because it wasn’t even that I wasn’t good enough, I made the team but just couldn’t afford to play. I was pretty good at soccer while I played but always used to wonder what it would have been like if I had been able to play on the traveling team and learned the skill-set they are taught. If I could have been a lot better and even gotten a scholarship or something.

I love “May Cause Miracles” version of the ego’s false perceptions when it comes to financial fears because I know we all can relate to these:

*The ego has a lack mentality
“I can’t possibly get a raise in this recession” “I will never afford that”
*The ego believes that passion has no purpose when it comes to making money
It convinces us that we can’t have it both ways when it comes to earning – “I can’t make money doing what I love”
*The ego has a get mentality rather than a give mentality
“we believe we need to get more to be happy”
*The ego creates addictive patterns around money
“money addiction, gambling addiction, debt addiction- we become powerless over money”
*The ego uses money to deepen belief in separation
“equates wealthy people as happy people and emphasizes the importance in external power – if you have money, the ego makes you more special”
*The ego is uncreative when it comes to money
“Ego convinces us to think linear, limited way- focusing on manipulative action to get more”
*There’s never enough for the ego
“Once the ego achieves a certain goal, it always needs more”

Day 29 was all about becoming aware of what my fears surrounding money are and know that “I am not my lack mentality”. This was a fun day because I spend several times a day speaking about “not having enough money” or “that costs too much”. I liked this day because I was reminded not to attach thoughts about myself with my fears. My main financial fears surround lack of money and not being smart with my money.

Day 30 was about my willingness to change my thoughts. In order to do that I had to dig deeper into my ego’s power. “I am willing to change my inner dialogue about my finances”. I remember when I  bought my first car, the dealer told me that I had very great credit and that above everything I should make sure I keep it that way. So it has been an internal thought of mine constantly and I have huge fear of getting into debt and bringing down my credit score. Not having enough in my savings for the things I want in the future or in case of an emergency. Instead of having an addiction to spending, I think I have an addiction to saving. I have a lot of money in my savings account and I get joy out of adding money to my account when I can or at least seeing it stay the same. I have always had a fear of not making enough money doing what I love, and even though now I have more faith in following the direction of what I love, I still have a fear of being good enough at what I love. I try to have a give mentality when I can but sometimes I compare myself to people who make more than me, especially my fiance and claim that I can’t give as much because I don’t make as much. I have placed external power in money by thinking that if you have money you can do more and you don’t have to worry about anything. My thoughts and my actions reinforce my lack mentality because I have become afraid to spend money and have a hard time letting go. It stops me from taking risks or making investments.

I think this chapter has helped me a lot. I notice my thoughts a lot more, and although they are frequent, I try to create a feeling of abundance in moments in which I initially feel lack. For today I want you to just try to notice your lack mentality and how often you think about money… it may be a lot more than you think. let me know.

Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow!!

xoxo

barista

Making Changes.

Happy Holidays Everyone! So I’ve been visiting with my mother for the last 6 nights and while I’ve been here I have gotten this very familiar feeling. It could be because New Years is coming up and we all have those good ‘ol resolutions we all like to make, but this feeling is one of really wanting to make big changes in my life.

I feel like lately I have been tested in different way to show me that I need to live the life I want to live. BE the way I say I want to be. I believe we all have an idea of the type of person we want to become (you know those whispers in your head) and the universe is constantly testing us to see how dedicated we are to living that truth. Isn’t is funny, when you think about being healthy and you even start going to the gym, you get invited to that birthday dinner and surrounded by food that you shouldn’t be eating. What about when you think about wanting to be a compassionate person and then that person you can’t stand is randomly thrown into your path. These are moments in which you are being tested. Will you fail or will you pass? Well it depends on how committed you are.

What has come up a lot for me while I have been here is my eating habits, which propelled me  into thinking about a bunch of other things I want out of my life, some even so simple. It’s the holiday season so yea I have been around a lot of not so good food. Ok, ok, I admit I’ve lived off of red velvet mini cupcakes, green olives, and sugar cookies!!! This has indeed been a reminder of how I DON’T want to live. I know, I should be able to excuse myself for the sake of the holidays, which could be true if I had eaten healthy the rest of the year, but really the opposite has been true. At least for the last few months. I have been very very gluttonous to say the least.

This morning was looking at a bunch of people’s before and after pics from eating clean, and training hard, and I just felt this motivation inside of me to really become that person that can follow through on her goals. I have been so close in the past and it’s almost like when I knew what I was doing was working, or that I was succeeding at my goal, I started to mess it up. Like I wanted to prove to myself “see I’m not worthy”. Today that familiarity came with thinking that “I AM WORTHY”. Knowing that I CAN make the changes I want to make. Knowing that I do deserve to reach my goals. You do too!!! It was a familiar feeling because deep down its the pure thought and it’s this single thought that will change your life because you are destined to live the life you dream. We all know that thoughts lead to action. So what actions have you been taking? How have your thoughts contributed to that?

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I feel like in my head, I know a bunch of changes I want to make, goals I want met, and it’s easy to “forget” what they all are at certain times, or not think of them often. So I think I want to write them all down. I just got a new journal that I want to start writing in so maybe that’s a perfect place to start. For some reason, writing things down makes them a little more permanent. Also when you make lists like that you start to think more clearly and you can come up with some things you may have not even thought about to a certain extent before.

I know we still have a few days before the New Year but today I want you to make a list of the things you want to work on. Juicing every morning, washing your face every night, having 10 minutes to yourself every afternoon, doing something new once a month…I challenge you to write all the things you want to change, start, do. Do it without judgement. Remember you can’t begin to change something if you can’t admit it needs changing. Start today!! This way when the new year comes, you are ready with your list and you are motivated with a clear vision already in sight. I’m interested in some of the things on your list. I’ll share mine when it’s done. I’ve actually been dying to do this!!! Don’t forget, you can continue to add to this list as you think of more things. Just make sure you WRITE IT DOWN! Watch how an act so simple will change your perspective!

xoxo,

barista