The other day I was looking in my closet and realized I never told the story about the Return of the Louboutins.
SO… If you remember, my birthday was back in January. My fiance (I’m gonna call him J from now on) gave me tons of wonderful goodies that I truly appreciated. This included our trip to Bali, flowers to my work, packages of bath goodies, homemade candlelit dinner, and then dun dun dun……Christian Louboutins. Now many of you probably have heard of Louboutins before but some of you are like “What…he gave you another man?” haha. Not exactly… Just another man’s shoe.
Now let me explain, Christian Louboutin is a guy who designs shoes. Yes shoes. VERY expensive, mainly very unique…shoes. Oh yea and they have a red sole. This red sole has become important because it allows you to tell when someone else is wearing them, distinguishing them from “other” shoes instantly. They are very big in the celebrity world, you’ll see almost every high-profile woman wearing them, especially at events.The first thing that comes to mind when I see someone wearing them is “That bitch is rich”.
Just to give you an idea of how expensive these shoes are, a few months before my birthday J and I were in Vegas celebrating a friend’s birthday. We were in the Caesars Palace mall and happened see a Christian Louboutin shoe store. I had never been in his shoe store and I wanted to see what was so grand…and just how expensive they really were. They had all different types of shoes. I grabbed a shoe that caught my eye, a turquoise pump covered in rhinestone, and I was nervous to check out the price tag. Guess how much they were. They were $6000. Yes SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. That’s a 6 with 3 zeros after it. WHAT?!?!?!?! The funny thing is, I wasn’t really surprised because I KNEW they were expensive but it was a little weird holding that much money in my hand in the form of a shoe. J however wanted to stop breathing. Especially when I told him there are Louboutins that cost waaaaay more than that one. Hard to imagine. The average high heel pump cost anywhere from $800-$1000.
I am a VERY big shoe fan. I LOVE shoes. Then again, what woman doesn’t. I had to actually cut back on my Shoedazzle purchases because I realized I hadn’t worn the last 3 pairs of shoes I had gotten because I don’t really go out that often. So one could only imagine my excitement and shock when I opened up my last present to find a box with the name Christian Louboutin written across it. I opened the box and there sat the sexiest pair of blue shoes I’ve seen. (Not the turquoise rhinestone ones from Las Vegas, my man aint that crazy).
I had a mix of emotions I’ll admit. I grew up not always getting everything I wanted, let alone very expensive things. So my mindframe around money can be VERY frugal. I have a really hard time spending a lot of money from a fear of lack. I was excited because they were freakin Loubs but very uneasy at the same time because they were freakin Loubs. That meant they cost a LEAST one or two extra zeros then what I normally spend on shoes.
It was funny because the first thing I wanted to do was show off about how my man just bought me Louboutins but at the same time felt this sort of shame for having them. But of course, being that I don’t usually care nor wear high-end stuff, the need to show them off was stronger. So I posted them on my Facebook of course with the desire to see the response. (Thats what both Facebook and Louboutins are for right?).
Upon uploading the guilt was already starting to set in along with a whirlwind of emotions. Why couldn’t I just accept this oh-so-generous gift that J had gotten me? Was it wrong to feel bad about a gift? After all, it was a gift. Why couldn’t I just suck it up and take em. Was it rude to want to return them? Do I have a problem with feeling worthy enough?
I got a few comments on my FB picture…”omg you’re so lucky” “Christian Louboutins…f*cking amazing”. I even got a call from a good friend “omg you have red bottoms, im so jealous”. I explained to her how I was thinking about how I couldn’t keep them because they cost too much. She says “It doesn’t matter they are freakin red bottoms… I’m so jealous of your life”. Right then it kind of hit me more than all the other thoughts before. They are shoes… They aren’t my life! They have nothing to do with the quality of my life.
It got me to start thinking WHY do these shoes portray a fabulous life? Because we have come to associate the quality of our lives, and the lives of others by the material things we posses. Period! Red bottoms = money = status = importance… on and on and on. They are probably the Ferrari of shoes right now. It’s become so wired that most of us haven’t even seen a Christian Louboutin in person, let alone tried one on, YET we are trained to love it so much, to admire and desire it…simply because it has a red sole. Think about that! Hey, maybe that’s just my view but judging by the reaction of other people to my gift I know I’m not the only one.
It was coming to that conclusion that I finalized my decision. Being that I am on my path of self growth, part of that is toning the ego down. Trying not to compare myself to others, not defining the quality of my life by the things I possess. I’m in the process of discovering my importance INSIDE not by the value of outside factors.
Did a part of me want to just take the shoes, HELL YES but a bigger part of me knew that it just wasn’t me. Never has been. I knew at least in this moment that by keeping that shoe it would have been more about what they portrayed and less about the actual shoe. I thanked J, let me know my deepest appreciation for his efforts, explained to him how I felt, he understood and we returned the shoes. (cue in screams of women everywhere)
I’m not knocking Christian Louboutins nor am I knocking anyone that adores them. They are very well made, sexy, unique brand of shoe. I am currently just not in the place to wear the price of someones rent on my feet, just because the soles are red. Maybe I should have accepted the present and switched my thoughts to abundance?….maybe I shouldn’t fear money so much?…i dunno? One day I can change my thoughts and definition of “expensive” but all I know is now, aside from my fears over money, I simply value my dollar and that money was better spent on numerous other things. One day I’ll be able to freely have it all. But until then, I feel like i was being true to myself and I didn’t have to define the quality of my life by a red bottom.
I’m curious… sometimes its hard to see outside of ourselves…what are your thoughts? Should I have just accepted the gift? Being that I didn’t pay for it myself, do you think this had to do with me not feeling worthy enough to accept something nice? OR are these shoes, and similar items clearly just about status versus the actual value of the item? How could I have kept it without feeling guilty, esp thinking about all the other things I want but cant afford yet? Leave your thoughts belows. THANKS