My Truth: Return Of The Louboutins

Khloe Kardashian Shoe Closet

Khloe Kardashian Shoe Closet

The other day I was looking in my closet and realized I never told the story about the Return of the Louboutins.

SO… If you remember, my birthday was back in January. My fiance (I’m gonna call him J from now on) gave me tons of wonderful goodies that I truly appreciated. This included our trip to Bali, flowers to my work, packages of bath goodies, homemade candlelit dinner, and then dun dun dun……Christian Louboutins. Now many of you probably have heard of Louboutins before but some of you are like “What…he gave you another man?” haha. Not exactly… Just another man’s shoe.

Now let me explain, Christian Louboutin is a guy who designs shoes. Yes shoes. VERY expensive, mainly very unique…shoes. Oh yea and they have a red sole. This red sole has become important because it allows you to tell when someone else is wearing them, distinguishing them from “other” shoes instantly. They are very big in the celebrity world, you’ll see almost every high-profile woman wearing them, especially at events.The first thing that comes to mind when I see someone wearing them is “That bitch is rich”.

Just to give you an idea of how expensive these shoes are, a few months before my birthday J and I were in Vegas celebrating a friend’s birthday. We were in the Caesars Palace mall and happened see a Christian Louboutin shoe store. I had never been in his shoe store and I wanted to see what was so grand…and just how expensive they really were. They had all different types of shoes. I grabbed a shoe that caught my eye, a turquoise pump covered in rhinestone, and I was nervous to check out the price tag. Guess how much they were. They were $6000. Yes SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. That’s a 6 with 3 zeros after it. WHAT?!?!?!?! The funny thing is, I wasn’t really surprised because I KNEW they were expensive but it was a little weird holding that much money in my hand  in the form of a shoe. J however wanted to stop breathing. Especially when I told him there are Louboutins that cost waaaaay more than that one. Hard to imagine. The average high heel pump cost anywhere from $800-$1000.

I am a VERY big shoe fan. I LOVE shoes. Then again, what woman doesn’t. I had to actually cut back on my Shoedazzle purchases because I realized I hadn’t worn the last 3 pairs of shoes I had gotten because I don’t really go out that often. So one could only imagine my excitement and shock when I opened up my last present to find a box with the name Christian Louboutin written across it. I opened the box and there sat the sexiest pair of blue shoes I’ve seen. (Not the turquoise rhinestone ones from Las Vegas, my man aint that crazy).

I had a mix of emotions I’ll admit. I grew up not always getting everything I wanted, let alone very expensive things. So my mindframe around money can be VERY frugal. I have a really hard time spending a lot of money from a fear of lack. I was excited because they were freakin Loubs but very uneasy at the same time because they were freakin Loubs. That meant they cost a LEAST one or two extra zeros then what I normally spend on shoes.

It was funny because the first thing I wanted to do was show off about how my man just bought me Louboutins but at the same time felt this sort of shame for having them. But of course, being that I don’t usually care nor wear high-end stuff, the need to show them off was stronger. So I posted them on my Facebook of course with the desire to see the response. (Thats what both Facebook and Louboutins are for right?).

Upon uploading the guilt was already starting to set in along with a whirlwind of emotions. Why couldn’t I just accept this oh-so-generous gift that J had gotten me? Was it wrong to feel bad about a gift? After all, it was a gift. Why couldn’t I just suck it up and take em. Was it rude to want to return them? Do I have a problem with feeling worthy enough?


I got a few comments on my FB picture…”omg you’re so lucky” “Christian Louboutins…f*cking amazing”. I even got a call from a good friend “omg you have red bottoms, im so jealous”. I explained to her how I was thinking about how I couldn’t keep them because they cost too much. She says “It doesn’t matter they are freakin red bottoms… I’m so jealous of your life”. Right then it kind of hit me more than all the other thoughts before. They are shoes… They aren’t my life! They have nothing to do with the quality of my life.

It got me to start thinking WHY do these shoes portray a fabulous life? Because we have come to associate the quality of our lives, and the lives of others by the material things we posses. Period! Red bottoms = money = status = importance… on and on and on. They are probably the Ferrari of shoes right now. It’s become so wired that most of us haven’t even seen a Christian Louboutin in person, let alone tried one on, YET we are trained to love it so much, to admire and desire it…simply because it has a red sole. Think about that! Hey, maybe that’s just my view but judging by the reaction of other people to my gift I know I’m not the only one.

It was coming to that conclusion that I finalized my decision. Being that I am on my path of self growth, part of that is toning the ego down. Trying not to compare myself to others, not defining the quality of my life by the things I possess. I’m in the process of discovering my importance INSIDE not by the value of outside factors.

Did a part of me want to just take the shoes, HELL YES but a bigger part of me knew that it just wasn’t me. Never has been. I knew at  least in this moment that by keeping that shoe it would have been more about what they portrayed and less about the actual shoe. I thanked J, let me know my deepest appreciation for his efforts, explained to him how I felt, he understood and we returned the shoes. (cue in screams of women everywhere)

I’m not knocking Christian Louboutins nor am I knocking anyone that adores them. They are very well made, sexy, unique brand of shoe. I am currently just not in the place to wear the price of someones rent on my feet, just because the soles are red. Maybe I should have accepted the present and switched my thoughts to abundance?….maybe I shouldn’t fear money so much?…i dunno? One day I can change my thoughts and definition of “expensive” but all I know is now, aside from my fears over money, I simply value my dollar and that money was better spent on numerous other things. One day I’ll be able to freely have it all. But until then, I feel like i was being true to myself and I didn’t have to define the quality of my life by a red bottom.

I’m curious… sometimes its hard to see outside of ourselves…what are your thoughts? Should I have just accepted the gift? Being that I didn’t pay for it myself, do you think this had to do with me not feeling worthy enough to accept something nice? OR are these shoes, and similar items clearly just about status versus the actual value of the item? How could I have kept it without feeling guilty, esp thinking about all the other things I want but cant afford yet?  Leave your thoughts belows. THANKS



May Cause Miracles: Week 5 Part 2

Here we pick back up from yesterday with Part 2 on Day 31 of “May Cause Miracles”. This is the day where I had brought in the shift from thinking about lack to thinking about abundance. I actually liked this day a lot. Although not always easy, thinking about abundance and FEELING abundant is nice. It feels full. It feels less stressful. It feels like enough. There was an epiphany in those moments. The feeling we all “strive” for  through money, we can actually CHOOSE to feel that way when we want. Imagine that 🙂 “I choose to believe in abundance and accept this belief as my reality”. 

charity1During this day Gabrielle mentioned something that I actually had recently become familiar with. One of our old clients at my job used to give 10 percent of her income “to a place where [she was] spiritually fed”. This client made a lot of money so this place in turn also made a lot of money. She truly believed that by giving, it in turn attracted more money to her. This concept is called Tithing.

After I heard of that, I actually thought about it and it was kind of amusing because our clients that would make regular donations were the ones that continued to make lots of money. The clients that did not give at all were the ones that had a hard time making money.

This is what actually inspired me to start my $50 donation give-aways. I wanted to do it every month but for now I do it sporadically. I didn’t want to limit the places where I would give to and I know there are so many organizations I had no clue about so I  turned it into a contest where I would take suggestions from others and randomly choose someone and donate the $50 to the organization they suggested in their honor. I never thought of giving to a place in which I am spiritually fed. So in the future I will do that as well while I continue to hold the contest. This “makes a statement to the Universe that you believe abundance must be shared. In sharing your wealth, you create more of it”.

Day 32 is always my favorite day… you guessed it Gratitude day. Nothing changes your perspective and attracts more into your life then recognizing and being grateful of what you have. Have I said that before? I dunno, wouldn’t doubt it Just like with tithing, when you are grateful for what you have you are putting it into the Universe to attract more. If you can not be happy with what you have then that puts into the Universe that you will continue to be unhappy with whatever else you get as well. Abundance attracts abundance. “I am grateful for what I have, and I welcome all the gifts this day will bring”.

Following gratitude always comes forgiveness which is what Day 33 was about. The book says that “the ego uses past financial drama in many individual ways to create chaos in the present…when your self worth is tied up in your net worth, you probably have been attacking yourself for quite some time”. We have discussed the need for forgiveness in the previous weeks but “Forgiveness offers me everything I want”. We all know people often search for outside sources to make them happy. So the bottom line is that WE WANT TO BE HAPPY right? If I continue to hold myself to past financial standards, there is no way I can truly be happy. So to let that go I must forgive.

Then this leads of to the 6th day of every week which is the  day I witness miracles happen. It’s about surrendering to my inner guide and letting the creativity come to me.  Now that I think back on it, on this day something totally awesome happened to me. I was already going to share that story with you in my next post before I even made the connection so I think I will still leave it that way. Yea yea there I go being a tease again, sorry!!! Day 34 the affirmation was “I welcome in infinite possibilities. I will receive”. 

Last but not least Day 35 was reflecting which I like to do with these post of mine.

Man I only have one week left. It actually kind of makes me sad. I enjoyed having these exercises to do daily. I can honestly say that before I started this book I was already trying to be more aware of my thoughts but this book has indeed heightened that experience for me. I cant wait to fully reflect after the full 6 weeks. I am so excited I made it this far and kept it going and most importantly, I fully followed through on my commitment. It means so much.

Week 6 is pulling it all together and working on becoming a true miracle worker.

till then, stay tuned in a few days for my awesome story about what happened to me on Day 34. Manifesting Miracles. :)))



May Cause Miracles: Week 5 Part 1

save_moneyWell I am finally done with week 5. I spent a good 2 weeks there. I got really busy and found myself not focusing so much on the week as I wanted to so I decided to stay in the week longer, I even actually started it all over when I was half way through because I had missed a few days.

This week was about MONEY. How your SELF WORTH determines your NET WORTH. I know I had a huge issue with money and really spent some time noticing all my fears these last two weeks surrounding money. Money does have a bit of control over me as I am constantly worried about spending too much, not having enough, or trying to avoid debt. I also have become more aware of where my money issues started (when I was young) and how I am already effecting my son and his feelings revolving money.

I grew up in a suburban city called Pleasanton where most people are pretty well off. I lived with my single mother and we were probably on the lower end of the spectrum when it came to our status. I would say she was middle class as, especially now looking back, you somewhat had to be to be able to afford to live there. I grew up having a lot of friends that had a lot more than me and it would be hard sometimes not being able to afford the same things or do the same things as they did. Because of this, when I think about my childhood and how I grew up in relation to money, I know a lot of issues especially involving my self-esteem came from not feeling comparable to my peers.

I remember an experience that stuck out for me was the first time tried out for soccer team. I made  the traveling team which usually costs a lot more than the regular team. I remember begging my mom to let me play and I we just couldn’t afford it so I had to turn down the opportunity. I had made the team a few times after that and once was almost allowed to play but then still couldn’t because of money. I remember just feeling super bummed because it wasn’t even that I wasn’t good enough, I made the team but just couldn’t afford to play. I was pretty good at soccer while I played but always used to wonder what it would have been like if I had been able to play on the traveling team and learned the skill-set they are taught. If I could have been a lot better and even gotten a scholarship or something.

I love “May Cause Miracles” version of the ego’s false perceptions when it comes to financial fears because I know we all can relate to these:

*The ego has a lack mentality
“I can’t possibly get a raise in this recession” “I will never afford that”
*The ego believes that passion has no purpose when it comes to making money
It convinces us that we can’t have it both ways when it comes to earning – “I can’t make money doing what I love”
*The ego has a get mentality rather than a give mentality
“we believe we need to get more to be happy”
*The ego creates addictive patterns around money
“money addiction, gambling addiction, debt addiction- we become powerless over money”
*The ego uses money to deepen belief in separation
“equates wealthy people as happy people and emphasizes the importance in external power – if you have money, the ego makes you more special”
*The ego is uncreative when it comes to money
“Ego convinces us to think linear, limited way- focusing on manipulative action to get more”
*There’s never enough for the ego
“Once the ego achieves a certain goal, it always needs more”

Day 29 was all about becoming aware of what my fears surrounding money are and know that “I am not my lack mentality”. This was a fun day because I spend several times a day speaking about “not having enough money” or “that costs too much”. I liked this day because I was reminded not to attach thoughts about myself with my fears. My main financial fears surround lack of money and not being smart with my money.

Day 30 was about my willingness to change my thoughts. In order to do that I had to dig deeper into my ego’s power. “I am willing to change my inner dialogue about my finances”. I remember when I  bought my first car, the dealer told me that I had very great credit and that above everything I should make sure I keep it that way. So it has been an internal thought of mine constantly and I have huge fear of getting into debt and bringing down my credit score. Not having enough in my savings for the things I want in the future or in case of an emergency. Instead of having an addiction to spending, I think I have an addiction to saving. I have a lot of money in my savings account and I get joy out of adding money to my account when I can or at least seeing it stay the same. I have always had a fear of not making enough money doing what I love, and even though now I have more faith in following the direction of what I love, I still have a fear of being good enough at what I love. I try to have a give mentality when I can but sometimes I compare myself to people who make more than me, especially my fiance and claim that I can’t give as much because I don’t make as much. I have placed external power in money by thinking that if you have money you can do more and you don’t have to worry about anything. My thoughts and my actions reinforce my lack mentality because I have become afraid to spend money and have a hard time letting go. It stops me from taking risks or making investments.

I think this chapter has helped me a lot. I notice my thoughts a lot more, and although they are frequent, I try to create a feeling of abundance in moments in which I initially feel lack. For today I want you to just try to notice your lack mentality and how often you think about money… it may be a lot more than you think. let me know.

Stay tuned for part 2 tomorrow!!