My Truth: I Yell and Fight In Front Of My Kids

how_to_fight_in_front_of_kids

pic from idiva.com

I am a mother that yells at the father of her children when we argue…. in front of our children! I feel like I’m at an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, but for people that can’t control their anger, and I needed to make that confession for the world to know. I feared writing that sentence because I think about how J will feel about me sharing this piece of our relationship, but I’m here to be more raw and transparent, so it is what it is I guess.

I remember one situation when I was really young, maybe around 3 or 4 ish, watching my parents arguing and screaming at each other and me sitting on the couch crying and screaming at them just hoping they would stop. Now here I am doing the same thing in front of my kids and I just don’t know how to stop.

My son cried Saturday because when mommy and daddy yell at each other and are mean to each other, it scares him. My heart beats deep because for the last few years, if there were one thing I would change over anything else in the world, it would be this.

I remember when I found out I was having a boy over 6 years ago, the one thing I thought about was how I have this chance to raise a wonderful, caring, sensitive, compassionate, kind, and loving man. I have the chance to raise a MAN! And although I know he is going to be all of those things, I fear that he will get into a relationship and him and his future partner will be yelling at each other in front of their kids and he’ll remember when his mommy and daddy used to do that too.

I notice how this has been a cycle for me. During a point in life, my relationship with my mother shifted and I spent a majority of my teenage and young adult years constantly yelling and arguing with my mother. Maybe that’s just how it is with teenagers but I knew, even back then, that I always wanted things to be different.

My last two serious relationships, this one included, consisted of yelling and screaming at each other during disagreements pretty often. I feel like for the last 15 years of my life, during the time where I have been growing a lot mentally, I have been consistently involved in arguments that include yelling and screaming and sometimes berating each other. It’s what I’ve learned about communication when it comes to disagreements. I’ve learned to defend myself by raising my voice. Before, it was just something I did and how things were. Now, it is something I want to change and learn how to stop.

The crazy thing is, I am not this way in my other relationships at all. At least not to this level. Just sometimes with my mother and most of the times with my boyfriend. The people that are the closest to me of course. I have actually gotten a lot better with my mother over the years but it could be a result of not living in her house anymore.

Because I have been in these relationships where both parties are mutually defensive during arguments to the point of yelling and screaming, I know that if I want to change, I have to teach myself. When I get into arguments like this, it’s with people who reflect the same attitude. I really believe I keep attracting this for the sake of learning the lesson. The time is now!

Over the past few years, my reaction afterwards would always be to run. I always wanted to just leave the relationship because I couldn’t handle fighting this way anymore in front of my son. When I was pregnant I even gave back my engagement ring because I just couldn’t do it anymore (although I do think I was ultra hormonal at the time). Now, especially more lately, I have been trying so hard to use these situations as teachers. To show me what I need to work on. To bring up the places that need healing. I have been trying so hard to control myself. To let down the defense. To be the one that stays calm. To communicate in an open and loving manner. To share when I am feeling unsafe. And for the last two months I have had great effects when approaching situations in that manner. But then once again, the defense strikes full force.

There’s something underneath there that is unresolved and unhealed and I need to figure out how to deal with it…. fast! Having two sons now, this is not what I want them to see and grow up with. It already kills my heart knowing my oldest is already six and seeing it effect him more and more each time. I don’t want him thinking this is the way we should handle our anger or disagreements.

Already I see him get really frustrated and yell and scream at us when he’s mad. I’ve seen some real anger in his face. Telling him that yelling and screaming when he’s mad is not a good way to release his emotions becomes hard when that’s what he’s learning from mommy and daddy. So it’s really up to us to start demonstrating that things should and can be different. I want to stop the cycle. I want to show him more about what LOVE is and how LOVE works.

I know parents have disagreements and they argue and it’s normal for your kids to see that sometimes. And I know that it’s healthy for kids to see you make up and love each other afterwards. But I don’t want to yell and scream and berate anymore. I don’t. I want to show my kids how to handle our emotions effectively. Especially the negative ones. It’s especially healthy to show them LOVING actions versus FiGHTING actions. Because if I have learned anything it’s that fighting just creates more fighting. How parents handle conflict becomes the teacher for how kids will handle conflict.

I remember my cousin telling me last year…. “All kids need to see is that their parents Love and Respect each other… even if they’re not together”.That’s what I want to show our kids. The one thing I don’t want, is them to relate love to unhappiness and hurt. I know sometimes they see love, but because of the frequency in arguments and our inability to express disagreements in other ways, it worries me what their really picking up. Truthfully sometimes I don’t know which way our relationship will go but either way we still need to learn how to love and respect each other, so we need to do that now.

I know there are things I can do to start creating change, so instead of going to a place of habit of wanting to run away and being down on myself, I can focus on what I do know and what I can do. Being that I am in school learning all these awesome tips and skills for loving myself and others, I do have a huge responsibility to be a teacher by my actions.

Although when it happens, I can feel really hopeless and scared, I am still working on self compassionate forgiveness and trying not to judge myself. I know, how I relate to the issue plays the biggest role in what the issue really is.

In these last few days I can really see that how I feel about the situation and myself reflects the size of my faith in God. I want to release the power I give this and let it go to God. I want to be open enough to receive the guidance that I can receive from my higher power. Maybe that means falling to my knees and really surrendering my ego.

I want to learn how to slow down. We don’t give ourselves enough space to breathe and think and that lack of space creates reacting to fast which is the cause of yelling and defending and feeling I have no control over what’s happening. If I can learn to give myself more space between what is happening and reacting, I will be in a better place to choice a better route. Slowing down in other areas can probably influence here too

I can also have open honest talks with our son and see how he feeling. Comfort him and love him. Talk to him about how mommy and daddy are still learning because we weren’t taught. Express the truth and understanding his perception. Letting him know we want to change and showing him its possible. I remember my counselor asking me a while ago “What do you wish would have happened to make you feel better when that was happening with your parents?” and I said “I wish someone would have talked to me and comforted me and helped make me feel better“. I need to do that with my son and I need to do that with the little girl inside of me too.

I’m working on it! and it’s HARD! but I know I can do this. Just send me some light and love please. I need  it!

This was a really hard post for me to write and put out there. Admitting the problem is the first step to change. If you are or have gone through this, please let me know how you are handling in the comments below…

 

xoxo,

barista

 

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May Cause Miracles: Week 1 Part 1

gabrielle-bernstein-may-cause-miraclesI am so excited I got Gabrielle Bernsteins new book, “May Cause Miracles: A 40 Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimted Happiness” and I’m so excited to get through it. I’ve wanted to try a book like this that with some sort of challenge everyday so it’s awesome to finally have one. When I went to her seminar back in October 2012 she was mentioning her new book and it finally came out this January.

I’m going into day 4 and so far I am super pumped. I even started a small book club with some of my close friends so we can experience it together. I was afraid to begin this journey while in Bali but at the same time I was thinking “WHY WAIT?”. Being on vacation is just an excuse. If I want change and happiness I have to START NOW. I have to  make it a priority in my life. I have to put my happiness FIRST. During the 40 days plenty of excuses will come up. The weekend, a holiday, a friend’s birthday, I’m tired, I don’t have time, I’m busy. If I let all those excuses get in the way not only am I slowing down the time it’ll take for me to see this radical change but it shows me just how important this change really is to me. It’s SUPER important therefore I put it first and being in Bali doesn’t change that.  I read my days work the FIRST thing in the morning,  carry my journal with me throughout the day to take notes, and I end my reading for the specific day and do my meditation and journal before bed.

One of the reasons I love the book is because it’s SO simple. Each day is only like 4 pages long. Half of it is assignments to do at the beginning of the day with some ideas to be aware of throughout your day and the other half is an evening exercise to do before bed. If you are determined to try something new and make change in your life, it is very easy to dedicate your time to this book.

The first week is all about recognizing your fears and how they set roadblocks in your life. I like this week so far because it’s interesting to notice how many fearful thoughts I have throughout the day. Affirmation of Day 1 was “I am willing to witness my fear”

Some of the fears that went through my head on Day 1:

*If I speak up at work they will talk behind my back
*I’m not a good parent
*I’m overeating, I’m gonna be judged
*I don’t look pretty enough
*My hair is going to keep getting thinner
*I’m addicted to the computer
*I can’t fulfill his needs
*IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I realized my fears are triggered when I am at work, when I’m at home with my family, when I argue with my boyfriend, when I see people I know, when I’m shopping. When I am in fear I feel anxious, sad, regretful, unfulfilled, unhappy. My fear affects my behavior because it makes me not want to do certain things. Sometimes I feel like I want to quit or run away. I start to feel tired or lazy and I tend to gossip or pull away. I also feel guilty or angry at myself. I mean can you see how fear can be immobilizing?

Considering the situations that trigger my fear, I live with these fears constantly everyday so you couldimagine how this has an effect on my day-to-day life. Most people don’t take the correct amount of time and mindfulness to actually notice this in their lives and when having fearful thoughts like these day-to-day, we tend to feel that’s it’s normal because it’s what we are constantly dealing with.

Day 2 had to do with noticing your fears but using the affirmation of “I Am Willing To See Love Instead”. I liked this one because when I would catch myself in a fearful thought I would stop and repeat this phrase and I wouldn’t allow myself to go further. Is my life “changed” yet? No, but its all about being mindful so that is my intention thus far. My intention is to think about the current affirmation throughout the day and that’s it. I believe with adding these up day by day it will create the bigger picture.

Day 3 was about choosing a new perspective. I had to write a letter to myself about being committed to change and transforming my fears into love. I had to put it in a place I would see everyday to remind me of my intentions. My true intentions are to create a happier life (there is always room for more happiness) and I want to dedicate my time to doing something different then what I’ve done in the past and see how it works for me. Affirmation of the day, “Love Did Not Create This”. Recognizing your fears and actively choosing a new perspective. The reason we want to be mindful is so it can  become easier to be responsible in the choices we make. We have become so used to fearful negative thoughts that they are automatic and habit. Not only that, its easy to place blame on something or someone else which in turn takes away the power we have over the fear. This day was about purposely CHOOSING something different.

Being in Bali I am 16 hours ahead of my friends in the United States which is half a day but I decided to work on their time so it doesn’t mess me up when I come home. Day 4 is all about Gratitude. Sunday will be the end of WEEK 1, I’ll get back to you in a couple of days and let you know how I’m feeling after this week.

If you are up to try something new, I definitely recommend this book. I would love to witness your changes and experiences. I’m excited to share mine with you!

xoxo,

barista

 

Mind Over Matter

Let me just say, nothing is more annoying than spending a lot of time writing a post and it not saving at the end… ya that just happened.

ROUND 2:

mind_over_matterSo last week my cousin decided she wanted to try a 7 day water fast. I told her “GOOD LUCK”. Being that I had tried a 24 hour water fast before, and how hard it was for me, I for sure thought 7 days would be unbearable. Believe it or not some people do 21 to 30 days or even longer. So in the scheme maybe 7 days isn’t so bad. 24 hours should be icing on the cake right?

Well during my 24 hours I not only obsessed about food, but I got a really bad headache as well which is a common side effect. I for sure thought my cousin would be in worse shape. Headaches, no energy, wanting to sleep all day, maybe even give in and eat. To my surprise she did a great job. I wasn’t with her during the day and maybe she slept a lot I dunno, but to me she seemed fine. She was taking hot yoga classes, we went on a hike (where I’m not gonna lie, she had a hard time), she even walked around for a few hours with me at a bridal expo. It seemed like she didn’t even have the urge to eat. Her first day, I wasn’t even thinking and asked her to go grocery shopping for me. What a brat I am!! But she didn’t eat food, and she didn’t get sick. She appeared to have fine energy, and again, she did a great job! Her thought was “Why wouldn’t I be normal?” MIND OVER MATTER.

She decided for the following 7 days she would ease herself into a juice fast and asked me if I wanted to join. I was hesitant at first but she was excited and told me she found recipes so I figured I would give it a TRY. I’ve always wanted to try it anyways. With “try” being the word that was allowing me to escape if I needed to.

Yesterday was the beginning of Day 1. I was motivated. Got dressed and made myself thejuices of the day. Having had done 24 hours on water before, I knew what to expect as far as obsession over food goes, the hunger pangs, and maybe a little headache or so.

I was doing fine, and then I walked into a tenant’s office to deliver her something and there it was. Her bowl of chocolate. She must have filled it up that morning because there were these new big pieces of chocolate with caramel oozing out the sides. If you know me or have read My Mornin’ Coffee, you might know that I have a bit of a candy addiction. Part of me wanted to grab the candy and say “fuck it, no one will know…it’s just a bit of chocolate” but the other part of me was thinking “you can’t give in within the first 20 minutes of being at work, no way”. I told my “fuck it” brain to “fuck off” and passed the bowl of chocolates. MIND OVER MATTER.

Throughout the day I was doing pretty good then my fiance text (he’s trying it too) with “I’m starving”. I text him back “It’s MIND OVER MATTER, and now your mind  is on food”. What guess what happened? Now MY mind was on food. I started picturing a grilled cheese sandwich and chewing it. Savoring the taste of it. The experience of it filling my stomach. Oh the chains food has on me. Then I became starving. Like deathly.

My cousin text me and told me to go get a smoothie so I did. It held me over the rest of the work day but I knew my biggest struggle was going to be when I got home. The place where I like to snack, snack, and then snack some more. It’s such a habit that sometimes I just end up with food in my mouth before I even realize what I’m doing. I remember one time I wanted to stop eating junk food/processed sugar and I was watching TV. Next thing I know I’m sitting stuffing a bag of marshmallows down my throat. SWEAR, I didn’t even realize. It was like I was hypnotized or something. Again, the chain food has on me.

After work I had my counseling session and then decided to go straight to the gym to take a class. I wanted to take a class because I knew by doing just cardio I’d have more time to obsess over food. I got to the gym a bit late and the class was pretty full so cardio it was. I began doing cardio, with no music or TV. Could this get any worse? Let’s just say the WHOLE time all I did was think about food. How I just wanted to chew something and swallow it.

One of the reasons I even wanted to try this fast was to practice and strengthen my discipline. I know that food has a tight chain on me and I want to free my mind. It is quite interesting to pay attention to how much I obsessed over food through out the day and tricked my body into thinking I was dying of starvation. But only when I chose to focus on it. If I was focused on something else I was totally fine. MIND OVER MATTER.

I came home and almost immediately wanted to give in. I went upstairs and told my fiance I needed to eat something just very small. I would still be fine but I just needed SOMETHING in my stomach. He said “make a juice” but I was convinced it wasn’t enough. This is how i felt:

dyingofthirst

 

I went downstairs, looked in the cabinets a few times, looked in the refrigerator and grabbed three small pieces of cut up pineapple, I was gonna eat it without my fiance knowing. RIGHT when I did that I heard the door close as my cousin just came back from a hot yoga session. DAMNIT I was gonna get caught. I hid them in my hand and passed her slyly and walked up the stairs. She then asked “How’d you do today?”. Aw man, I couldn’t lie. I said “Fine until now” and I slid into my room and stuck the piece of pineapple in my mouth. She asked what I meant and I showed her the remaining pieces of pineapple. She said it was fine and that she was about to make a juice and asked if I wanted  one.

Look  at that, it was FINE. Who would have thought. In my head I was in “fuck it” mode and probably would have given in to other food if it wasn’t  for the feeling of “yea it is fine”. It was what it was. I had three pieces of pineapple and it was fine. I could still continue on my juice fast. I wasn’t a failure. I didn’t have to give up. Again, MIND OVER MATTER.

Most times, when people feel like they’ve failed it can be very easy to give up completely. In reality, you should acknowledge your “failure”, you ACCEPT it and learn from it, and you continue to move on. I learned that I really didn’t even need that pineapple. It was all in my head. My cousin made a juice, I drank half of it, we talked about stuff and I was  fine the rest of the night.

Some of this may sound crazy, I’m literally fighting myself from eating food. Some people find it hard to understand. Why would I choose this? Why don’t I just eat? Do I have an eating disorder? Am I trying to lose weight? JUST EAT if you’re hungry! Funny thing is, half the time I obsessed over food, I wasn’t hungry. It was a mental thing. Your body doesn’t go into starvation mode after just one day. I wasn’t dying. I wasn’t “starving”. I was still consuming nutrients and vitamins.

I am a slave. A slave to  food, to television, to the internet and my cellphone.  A slave to what people think about me, how I  look, my image. A slave to my mind. What is something that controls you? Alcohol, a boyfriend, gossip, cigarettes, self-esteem? Even if you think nothing, when you take something away, even if only for 24 hours, you can think more clearly and catch a glimpse of what’s really going on. If you are mindful. Most people don’t eat because they are hungry. They aren’t “starving” when they think they are. We develop habits and they begin to control us to the point that we just do what we do, think how we think, for no other reason then simply because that’s what we are used to. Even if it’s something we don’t even like.

As humans, we are capable of FAR more than we can ever imagine. Our mind can be a very limiting place. You can see just throughout this post I went from almost giving in during the beginning of the day, to thinking I was “starving” to actually giving in and wanting to give up, to ending the night with feeling like a success. All in a mind’s day work. Wouldn’t it  be nice to live your life out of intention versus habit? To feel like the things you do are because of a choice you are making rather than something that just happens so “fuck  it”?  Could you imagine the things you could begin to create when you realize the true control you have? You break free from the chains and begin to live the life you choose. MIND OVER MATTER.

I challenge you to CHALLENGE YOURSELF….and win!!! just witness how life will unfold.

Here’s to Day 2!!!

xoxo,

barista

How Do I Know When To Stay Or Go?

I am reposting this article written by Kute Blackson via The Daily Love  because I get into conversations like this constantly with people. He writes it perfectly!!

So many people stay in relationships when they are not even happy at all simply because they are afraid to be alone, they don’t want to feel the pain of ending it, or because they’ve been in the relationship for so long anyways. All of your relationships, friends and lovers a like, should be promoting and supporting each others growth and authenticity. A relationship, of any kind, is a connection between people and it takes all involved for it to work. If any one person stops their part, there is no point to continue. Do you have to dislike or be mean to them? No! but you certainly don’t have to be in a relationship with them either.

Here’s what Kute has to say:

We come together in relationship with another for our evolution and growth.

The people you attract are simply mirror manifestations in that moment in time that reflect who you are.

Yet who you are is constantly changing, evolving and growing.

Who you are when you first met your partner won’t necessarily be who you will be a year from now, let alone a month from now.

Relationship is really not about the duration that you stay with someone, but the degree to which you both grow, evolve and become more authentically your true Self. Staying in a relationship where you are both no longer growing simply because that is the thing to do based on societal standards, or because you made commitment 25 years ago, is not authentic.

Authenticity is to feel the depth of who you both are now, and fully be in the moment together with total honesty and love.

Then you can see if you are both still a vibrational match for each other today, not based on a commitment made years ago.

Relationship is when you come together with a commitment to serve eachother’s evolution, and grow together in a similar direction at a similar pace. The bottom-line commitment being “I commit to serving your Soul’s growth.”

Once one of you no longer has that commitment, and is clear about that, then you no longer have a relationship even if you stay together physically.

As you both serve each others evolution and keep growing together, then your relationship can keep reinventing itself to higher levels, rather than staying a stale version of what was. Your relationship becomes an ever-expanding exploration of Nowness.

But when one person stops growing or no longer has a commitment to serve the other, it begins to shift the dynamic. The question to ask is simply, “Are we both growing as Souls, becoming more expanded, loving, and authentic versions of ourselves in this relationship?”

If the answer is no, and there is no more commitment to serve each other’s growth, then your relationship is over. So long as there is a commitment to serving each other, even if it is challenging (which relationships can be) you can keep growing together.

The real success of relationship isn’t simply how many years you have been with someone, but how much you grew and realized your authentic self.

Certain people show up in your life to simply serve a function of helping you see a part of yourself that you get to reclaim or heal. It might last a few weeks, months, years or a lifetime. But you come together to learn those lessons, and once those lessons are complete, so is the relationship.

So, feel into finding the form of the relationship that allows the greatest love to be expressed. Sometimes we stay together out of obligation, but that serves no one really, simply causing us to withhold love. The truth serves all concerned, even if it might not seem that way at first. The truth will ultimately dissolve limits and cause expansion.

Sometimes breaking UP the form and finding a new way of relating with your partner simply allows you be able to love them without the limited expectations.  Staying in a relationship when you are no longer in love, growing or committed is living death.

As the form of your relationship changes either through a break up, divorc or death, let the loving remain constant.

No forms last forever.

Only Love is real.

Just because a relationship ends does not mean the LOVING needs to.

Be committed to the loving no matter what happens.

Then you are free.

The rest are just details.

Love.Now

Kute

My Truth: Finding Freedom

ok ok here goes… I know I was bordering avoidance. I know I teased you guys a few posts ago about doing something that took a lot of strength. The strength was this… I had to tell the truth! Seems so simple right, but expressing truth is one of the hardest things for people to do. To fully own themselves, good and bad.

“If you are in any way keeping a secret, or if you are in any way pretending to be something that you are not, you will never ever become all that you were meant to be. It just cannot happen.”  -Oprah

A while ago, I had discovered the one most powerful thing I wanted was to have as much freedom as I could get. Freedom from this man made prison built within my own mind. Well Freedom = Truth. So to grasp freedom, one has to learn how to grasp truth. Based on how much our ego runs the show, it’s hard for many of us to even recognize what our real truth is. We have who we are, and who our ego wants us to be. Ego likes to think we are all seperate, therefore it is CONSTANTLY comparing us to others as better or worse. In reality, to our soul, we are all the same. Learning to recognize this one concept will help you discover what your truth is. One of my goals with this blog is to question and test my beliefs and be able to share what I experience by doing so. All those great quotes and articles we read and share …yes they make sense, they sound right, but how often do we test them to see how they relate to us.

When you express your truth, you know that those attracted to your life are there because they accept you for who you are. What I consider to be the highest form of relationships, is that built off of truth. I’m sure in your head you are saying, “of course Barista… we all want relationships based this” or maybe you’re even saying, “I don’t know about you, but I already have relationships based on truth”. My response to you is “Yes you say that, but do you really?”

Try to think about all the restrictions you have in your life put on by you or others. Is it possible to have freedom with restrictions? And I’m not talking about restrictions like rules and laws you have to follow in society, but restrictions placed on your need of expression. To express how you feel, what you want, who you are. What are some reasons people are afraid to express themselves? Fear of hurting someone, fear of losing someone, fear of not being accepted… common theme is FEAR. This fear makes us hide what we think…what we feel…who we are. When we are hiding even a piece of who we are, we are then pretending to be something we are not. When you are pretending to be something you are not, then how can you ever be who you are suppose to be. Like Oprah said, it’s IMPOSSIBLE!   

 Back in March I had read Oprah’s quote above, and it resonated with me instantly. But still I was convinced that I could get over telling the truth by just becoming a better person and moving forward. If I was going to be a better person then what good was the truth to know. See that’s the thing. There is no change without truth. There were plenty of lessons being taught in this one experience and that was one of them I was ignoring. What happens when we don’t learn the lesson? It keeps coming back in different form until we decide to get to finally get it. I couldn’t just stop and be a better person if I couldnt be truthful. So guess what? All the times I thought I could just stop and move forward, I couldn’t…because people don’t make change by avoiding the truth, they change by confronting the truth.

I recently had to reveal myself to a friend which meant not only did I have to tell the truth, but I had to be vulnerable. Vulnerability = Truth. My truth was that I was going through some pain and insecurities and to mask that I was “acting out” in ways to prove my insecurities and pain right. I knew this acting out wasn’t who I was and I felt shame for it so I then was hiding how I was acting out. I felt restricted from being able to express my insecurities and what I was going through out of  fear of not being understood. But do you see how I created this prison for myself. I didn’t KNOW if I was going to be accepted or not. I just feared it. And through this fear I created shame. And through this shame I was punishing myself for something that wasn’t even true.  When you act out in order to mask your true self, it’s usually a temporary feel good but in the long term you end up feeling bad. When you feel bad, all that means is that you aren’t aligned with whats in your heart. I didn’t like the person I was “acting out” as so I became dedicated to figuring out how to heal the real fear and pains. How on earth do I EVER expect to build relationships and expect people to accept my truth and share with me theirs if I wasn’t accepting it myself?

Every time you lie, big or small, you are hiding a piece of who you are and how you feel. By telling the truth I understood were ways my friend could react to it. Was I afraid? Of course I was. I was so afraid that just thinking about telling the truth made my heart beat fast, my palms get sweaty and I practically had an anxiety attack. That’s how I knew I had to do it…because I was uncomfortable. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is the best way to learn though and if I wanted to learn truth I had to live truth.  If I wanted someone to accept me for who I was, I had to reveal who I was. I learned who I AM was not who I was being. Suddenly hiding and lying was no longer an option. Instead of it coming down to, is this person going to accept me or not, it came down to do I accept myself? As long as I accept myself then those that dont accept me dont deserve to be in my life in the first place. There was a sense of peace in accepting my truth and placing that first. How did I know if this other person was or wasnt going to accept who I was if I didn’t just admit who I was. So there I was, on the edge of the cliff…. I could stand there staring down scared of what would happen or I could jump into the arms of freedom. You can’t learn to fly if you don’t jump first.

So I did it. I jumped. I told the truth. At that moment I was jumping into my freedom and into my expression and into being myself.

I knew in that moment of truth that I was owning who I had been and what I did.  Did that make the lying and hiding ok? Absolutely not but I was taking responsibility for whatever the outcome. These lies and hiding had nothing to do with any other people and ALL to do with ME. I know the lies and hiding and my “acting out” wasn’t who I was destined to be. I had to deal with accepting what I was going through and confronting the truth.  These lies weren’t something to be proud of and was hurtful towards another person but when I revealed them I immediately felt free. Not because I didn’t care about the other persons feelings, but because in that moment I was speaking my truth and the truth will set you free. Guess what? They accepted me! So all those fears weren’t even true in the first place. Imagine that 😉

My challenge to you is to figuring out what you are hiding.  What piece of yourself are you keeping locked up?  How are you restricted? What are your fears about expressing your truth?  How can you test those fears unless you be yourself and see what happens? When you lie, notice what you are avoiding? Every time you feel fear its your soul begging for truth. I dare you to jump and experience how it feels to fly!!! We all make mistakes, its the only way to learn. You owe it to yourself to love all of you, mistakes and all. You are owe yourself the truth. You owe yourself freedom. You owe it yourself to be all you are meant to be. When love your truth, someone else will too!

xoxo,