How Can Love Be The Solution When It’s The Problem?

Lately I find myself talking about Love a lot. Ok fine, always!! Love is all we need right? The one thing that took me some time to realize was my misconceptions about what Love is.

I think most people think that Love is an emotion or a feeling. A Noun. Something we can find, have, or keep. I used to. “He loves me because _______” or even better “He doesn’t love me because _______”. We narrow love down to an “it”. Yet “it” can mean something different to everyone.

What I am continuing to come to realize is that the  more experience I have with Love and the more I understand Love, the more exact Love becomes yet the indescribable and undefinable all the same.

One thing I do know for sure now is that Love is and ALWAYS will be Love. There is only ONE Love. Love is NOT different depending on the person. It all comes from one place. Your heart, your soul, your existence. Love knows no boundaries, no comparisons, no conditions, no separation. Although Love knows many expressions, it is all the same Love.

Love is the ONLY thing that is real. Everything else is an illusion. Love is always available, even when we think it’s long gone. When all you can see is pain, Love will sit there patiently waiting for you to return and welcome you with open arms when you do.

“Love always loves you, even when you can’t or won’t love yourself.” – Robert Holden

The second thing I know for sure is that LOVE DOES NOT HURT, even when you undoubtedly think it does. That is probably the biggest misconception of them all. That loving in the first place is the problem.

If Love hurt, how could it be Love? Love is nothing but itself. Is and ALWAYS will be. If Love does not hurt, then what does? That’s easy. Fear does! But don’t get it twisted… fear may seem like an enemy to love but in reality fear is there to show you where love needs to be. Love sees no enemy, it ONLY sees Love. So where is the Love in fear?

In Robert Holden’s Book, Loveability, he discusses the obsession with “falling in love”. He goes on to tell a story about his five-year old daughter and a boy she liked from school. He mentions that it would be wonderful if “children were introduced to their own eternal loveliness before they started obsessing about falling in love”.

He states that:

“The early obsession with falling love is a sign that we have already started to doubt our own Loveability. By falling in love with someone, we hope we will remember how loveable we are. We hope someone will catch our fall, in the fall from grace, and thereby save us from the basic fear that ‘I am not loveable’. Much of the desire to fall in love is about being loved rather than being loving.”

He then goes on to quote  J. Krishnamurti.  “You want to be loved because you do not love; but the moment you love, it is finished, you are no longer inquiring whether or not somebody loves you”.

love-vs-fear

image from: word from the well

One concept that I am exceptionally fond of, is the concept that we have two basic choices in life. A choice between Love and fear. Although expressed in thousands of ways, there is only one love and there is only one fear. “Love is the mind of the real Self, and fear is the mind of your self-image or ego.”  We are constantly choosing between Love and Fear. Worthy and unworthy. Loveable and Unloveable. Whichever you choose to identify with, is the one that you give power. If Love is the only thing that is real, then the idea that you can be unloveable is not real. LOVE IS YOUR EXISTENCE. If your source were not that of Love, you would not be here.

The fear that you are unloveable is the extension to all other fears. It’s the fear the hurts. Not Love. Love is what heals!

In Holden’s chapter “Love and Fear” he states that:

“Love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing. Love and fear have the opposite effect on you. The principle effect of fear is that it prevents you from seeing where love is present, whereas love helps you to see where you are afraid. Love makes you conscious. It switches a light on in your mind. This light brings everything into view… Love does not judge, so nothing is hidden. Love does not condemn, so there is no deception. Love does not censure, so all is revealed. Love exposes the fears you identify with, the secret shame you haven’t forgiven, the old wounds not yet released, and every other unloving thought that blocks the awareness of love’s prescence… Love shows you what you think of yourself and also how you relate to yourself. Love and fear cannot co-exist…Love brings fear into full view so that you can see if there is a message for you, a lesson for you, or even a gift for you. This is how Love heals fear. This is how love helps you to be fully present, undefended, and open to your life. Love brings up everything unlike itself so that you can let go of fear and be the loving person that you are.”

Love is the energy that runs ALL things. Underneath anger is Love. Underneath sadness is love. Underneath control is Love. Underneath judgement is love. If Love did not exist there, we simply would not care. Love is never really the problem though… Love is the solution that lies UNDER the problem. Love is who you ARE! .The problem is simply not knowing your own Loveability.

So when you find yourself angry, sad, controlling, or judgmental…. ask yourself where you need healing and just apply a little love. Remember you are loveable. Remember your existence. Turn off the fear and Turn on the LOVE! Your wound will begin to heal.

What are some ways you choose love when fear is present? Leave a comment, you may just help someone out.

xoxo,

barista

My Truth: I Yell and Fight In Front Of My Kids

how_to_fight_in_front_of_kids

pic from idiva.com

I am a mother that yells at the father of her children when we argue…. in front of our children! I feel like I’m at an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, but for people that can’t control their anger, and I needed to make that confession for the world to know. I feared writing that sentence because I think about how J will feel about me sharing this piece of our relationship, but I’m here to be more raw and transparent, so it is what it is I guess.

I remember one situation when I was really young, maybe around 3 or 4 ish, watching my parents arguing and screaming at each other and me sitting on the couch crying and screaming at them just hoping they would stop. Now here I am doing the same thing in front of my kids and I just don’t know how to stop.

My son cried Saturday because when mommy and daddy yell at each other and are mean to each other, it scares him. My heart beats deep because for the last few years, if there were one thing I would change over anything else in the world, it would be this.

I remember when I found out I was having a boy over 6 years ago, the one thing I thought about was how I have this chance to raise a wonderful, caring, sensitive, compassionate, kind, and loving man. I have the chance to raise a MAN! And although I know he is going to be all of those things, I fear that he will get into a relationship and him and his future partner will be yelling at each other in front of their kids and he’ll remember when his mommy and daddy used to do that too.

I notice how this has been a cycle for me. During a point in life, my relationship with my mother shifted and I spent a majority of my teenage and young adult years constantly yelling and arguing with my mother. Maybe that’s just how it is with teenagers but I knew, even back then, that I always wanted things to be different.

My last two serious relationships, this one included, consisted of yelling and screaming at each other during disagreements pretty often. I feel like for the last 15 years of my life, during the time where I have been growing a lot mentally, I have been consistently involved in arguments that include yelling and screaming and sometimes berating each other. It’s what I’ve learned about communication when it comes to disagreements. I’ve learned to defend myself by raising my voice. Before, it was just something I did and how things were. Now, it is something I want to change and learn how to stop.

The crazy thing is, I am not this way in my other relationships at all. At least not to this level. Just sometimes with my mother and most of the times with my boyfriend. The people that are the closest to me of course. I have actually gotten a lot better with my mother over the years but it could be a result of not living in her house anymore.

Because I have been in these relationships where both parties are mutually defensive during arguments to the point of yelling and screaming, I know that if I want to change, I have to teach myself. When I get into arguments like this, it’s with people who reflect the same attitude. I really believe I keep attracting this for the sake of learning the lesson. The time is now!

Over the past few years, my reaction afterwards would always be to run. I always wanted to just leave the relationship because I couldn’t handle fighting this way anymore in front of my son. When I was pregnant I even gave back my engagement ring because I just couldn’t do it anymore (although I do think I was ultra hormonal at the time). Now, especially more lately, I have been trying so hard to use these situations as teachers. To show me what I need to work on. To bring up the places that need healing. I have been trying so hard to control myself. To let down the defense. To be the one that stays calm. To communicate in an open and loving manner. To share when I am feeling unsafe. And for the last two months I have had great effects when approaching situations in that manner. But then once again, the defense strikes full force.

There’s something underneath there that is unresolved and unhealed and I need to figure out how to deal with it…. fast! Having two sons now, this is not what I want them to see and grow up with. It already kills my heart knowing my oldest is already six and seeing it effect him more and more each time. I don’t want him thinking this is the way we should handle our anger or disagreements.

Already I see him get really frustrated and yell and scream at us when he’s mad. I’ve seen some real anger in his face. Telling him that yelling and screaming when he’s mad is not a good way to release his emotions becomes hard when that’s what he’s learning from mommy and daddy. So it’s really up to us to start demonstrating that things should and can be different. I want to stop the cycle. I want to show him more about what LOVE is and how LOVE works.

I know parents have disagreements and they argue and it’s normal for your kids to see that sometimes. And I know that it’s healthy for kids to see you make up and love each other afterwards. But I don’t want to yell and scream and berate anymore. I don’t. I want to show my kids how to handle our emotions effectively. Especially the negative ones. It’s especially healthy to show them LOVING actions versus FiGHTING actions. Because if I have learned anything it’s that fighting just creates more fighting. How parents handle conflict becomes the teacher for how kids will handle conflict.

I remember my cousin telling me last year…. “All kids need to see is that their parents Love and Respect each other… even if they’re not together”.That’s what I want to show our kids. The one thing I don’t want, is them to relate love to unhappiness and hurt. I know sometimes they see love, but because of the frequency in arguments and our inability to express disagreements in other ways, it worries me what their really picking up. Truthfully sometimes I don’t know which way our relationship will go but either way we still need to learn how to love and respect each other, so we need to do that now.

I know there are things I can do to start creating change, so instead of going to a place of habit of wanting to run away and being down on myself, I can focus on what I do know and what I can do. Being that I am in school learning all these awesome tips and skills for loving myself and others, I do have a huge responsibility to be a teacher by my actions.

Although when it happens, I can feel really hopeless and scared, I am still working on self compassionate forgiveness and trying not to judge myself. I know, how I relate to the issue plays the biggest role in what the issue really is.

In these last few days I can really see that how I feel about the situation and myself reflects the size of my faith in God. I want to release the power I give this and let it go to God. I want to be open enough to receive the guidance that I can receive from my higher power. Maybe that means falling to my knees and really surrendering my ego.

I want to learn how to slow down. We don’t give ourselves enough space to breathe and think and that lack of space creates reacting to fast which is the cause of yelling and defending and feeling I have no control over what’s happening. If I can learn to give myself more space between what is happening and reacting, I will be in a better place to choice a better route. Slowing down in other areas can probably influence here too

I can also have open honest talks with our son and see how he feeling. Comfort him and love him. Talk to him about how mommy and daddy are still learning because we weren’t taught. Express the truth and understanding his perception. Letting him know we want to change and showing him its possible. I remember my counselor asking me a while ago “What do you wish would have happened to make you feel better when that was happening with your parents?” and I said “I wish someone would have talked to me and comforted me and helped make me feel better“. I need to do that with my son and I need to do that with the little girl inside of me too.

I’m working on it! and it’s HARD! but I know I can do this. Just send me some light and love please. I need  it!

This was a really hard post for me to write and put out there. Admitting the problem is the first step to change. If you are or have gone through this, please let me know how you are handling in the comments below…

 

xoxo,

barista

 

The Egg

image via tantrictransformation.com

image via tantrictransformation.com

A classmate shared this story the other day and I absolutely loved it so of course I can’t hold out on you. So hope you enjoy it like I do.

The Egg
By: Andy Weir

You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.

Time Off

If you haven’t noticed, I did not post Good Deed Sunday, nor even  a late post yesterday. I have not been feeling too keen since Saturday and also been beyond busy. I have been feeling yucky in the stomach and just sort of nauseous. I thought this went out the window in the first trimester but feels like it’s back. Hopefully I am not getting sick.

I decided to take this week off for finding Good Deeds in the journal. This doesn’t mean I will not be mindful of random acts of kindness when and if the opportunities are available, I am just not going to commit to anything this week and take the pressure off from daily updates via Facebook.

I also do not know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or what, but for the last few days I have also just been feeling sort of down and somewhat defeated like I want to run away from everyone and everything but I have been reminded to surrender and let the spirit take care of all that I can not right now. SO I am being conscious of that.

I will update you on this last weeks deeds and how they went and communicate with you this Sunday (if not before) for the following deeds. The best part is, last week was RAOK week. RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS. But of course we try to make RAOK week a daily thing right?

wpid-20140209_183814.jpg2/9/14: BUY A NICE WATER BOTTLE so you will be less inclined to buy plastic bottles:
So I did not go out and buy a new water bottle although that was my intention. I did of course, clean off an existing water bottle that I love and will start to use that. For the most part, I do not buy bottled water often but I do drink water at work and use plastic cups so by bringing my own water bottle to work I can save on the plastic cups that I would be using.

BONUS DEED: LEAVE A BIG TIP:
On this day I was also able to fulfill an old deed from last week which was to leave a big tip. I went out to dinner with my son, to Chiles and I left the amazing waiter an 100% tip. That felt really good and I bet it made him smile.

2/10/14: PLAY FREEZE DANCE:
This one was fun. Like I previously said, I dance around my house a lot usually acting silly, so this one just added to the fun ness. I had my fiancé in control of the music while my son and I danced around the room. We would freeze when he stopped the music and often just laugh at each other. It was a nice short getaway outside the routine of dinner, homework, bedtime.

2/11/14: MYSTERY DEED aka (I forget exact wording) BRING YOUR CO-WORKERS A SURPRISE during the time of day you know everyone needs a pick me up:
I was unable to complete this one. My plan was to go to Jamba Juice during lunch and bring everyone back a some smoothie. But was unable to make it to Jamba Juice this day. I will try to do this before my last day of work though in two weeks.

2/12/14: scroll through your phone and CALL THE PERSON YOU’VE KNOWN THE LONGEST:
I actually completed this one the previous day, on 2/11. I did not count family members of course, just friends, and I called my long time friend Jessica. We have been best friends since we were 7 years old. Going on 23 years to be exact. The awesome thing is, we hadn’t talked in a while so it was something I was excited to do so I could catch up with her. She did not answer when I called but I was able to talk to her this last Sunday night and I get to see her this weekend. She lives in Northern California and I haven’t seen her since last April. So I’m excited to catch up.

2/13/14: BAKE WITH YOUR KIDS:
Usually I don’t have much time to bake during the week, rarely at all in general, but I made time this week just for that. I made some valentine cupcakes with my son. He got to do all the stirring and of course the best part of licking the spoon clean afterwards. That of course is always a favorite childhood memory. I made a short video but am unable to download it here. But the cupcakes came out wonderful.

2/14/14: BUY A BUNCH OF FLOWERS on your way to work. Give each one to a colleague you appreciate:
I actually completed this one on Thursday morning because most of my co-workers have Fridays off. I stopped at the grocery store that morning and bought a small bouquet of 6 orange roses and gave one to each of my co-workers including myself. It was a nice surprise and perfect way to kick off Valentine’s day.

If you remember from Friday’s post though, I was able to leave a few love notes on strangers cars. Hopefully they took the time to read them 🙂

2/15/14: Clean out your sweater drawer and TAKE EXTRAS TO CHARITY:
Saturday turned out to be a beyond busy day for me so I was unable to complete this deed BUT being that I am in nesting mode, I will make sure to do this one before the baby comes.

If you complete any deeds this last week, whether from my list or just your own, I would love to hear about them in honor of RAOK week.

Besides that, I had a maternity photo shoot this last Sunday and I have two baby showers coming up this weekend so I feel very excited about those. Only 6 weeks left and I’ll be a new mommy of two. Exciting and Scary all at once as I have no idea what to expect but of course you will be updated.

I will be resting this week and I hope you enjoyed your weekend and have a wonderful week!!!

xoxo,

barista

Good Deed Sunday 2/2/14 (Late Post)

So I have another late post for you. I had school all weekend so I really had no time that I could be on the computer unless it was cutting into my sleep. School also made it a bit harder this week in completing some of my good deeds because I was working on homework during the week which seemed to take more precedence.

The interesting part as I was preparing to write this blog and the deeds from last week, a piece of me really wanted to lie to you. I wanted it to seem like I completed all the deeds, completed the makeup deeds, and ended the month 31/31. It’s funny to notice that ego part that wants everything to seem “perfect, to not feel like I failed, to not feel judged. Then I come to the conclusion that the only person judging me is ME! I am judging myself in that moment. It’s like that quote “What others think of you is none of your business”…. I can not feel judged unless I am also judging myself. Especially when I DON’T know what others will or are thinking.

I know my intentions and my circumstances so there is no reason for me to feel ashamed. By lying, I would only be harming my self esteem by buying into the judgements that I placed on myself. So as I learned in class, one of the most powerful tools to healing is compassionate self forgiveness. Forgiving yourself for the judgements you place on yourself and others. So “I forgive myself for judging myself as failing…I forgive myself for buying into the belief that this process has to be perfect”.

So let’s get on to the deeds last week:

1/27/14: SAY GOOD MORNING TO YOUR CO-WORKERS:
This one was easy, because I do it everyday. I did make more effort to just say Good Morning to everyone else though too

wpid-IMG_2278.jpg1/28/14: MYSTERY DEED aka PUT A LOVE NOTE IN A LOVED ONES LUNCH:
So the loved one I chose never brings lunch to work so of course I made him a lunch this day and left him a cute little note with it. I left it on the counter as a surprise. Our little one tried t o ruin the surprise and tell  daddy to go look in the kitchen but daddy just thought it was mommy’s lunch. So I had to call him after I left and let him know the I made it for him.

BONUS:
Today I also completed the past deed of doing a TEn MINUTE MEDITATION. I completed the meditation in my counseling session.

1/29/14: DO A LITTLE DANCE AND BE SILLY:
I tend to complete this one a lot. Usually me and my son make up little dances and try to make daddy laugh. This time, my son was already sleep, so i just did a silly dance for the big boy. It included moonwalking so I bet you can just imagine.

1/30/14: LEAVE SOME HOMEMADE COOKIES AT YOUR NEIGHBORS DOOR:
So I picked this deed thinking that It would be easy to complete along with the other deed of making cookies and sharing. I have realized though that’s its not so easy for me to bake during the week so I may have to save these deeds for a weekend.

1/31/14: GIVE YOURSELF A PEP TALK:
This one was a good one for today because it was my first day back at school this month. I was also behind on doing homework and stressing about that, along with working and trying to get a lot of stuff done for a new person that I will be training. So although simple, my person pep talk was just telling myself to do the best I can, what gets done will get done, and let it go into the universe. PS: I got my homework back and got 200/200. YAY!

BONUS: I also completed the deed of BE MINDFUL of my please, thank yous, and you’re welcomes.

2/1/14: LET ANOTHER CAR TAKE THAT PARKING SPOT and smile and wave:
I picked this one for this day because I thought it would be easy since I have school and most people arrive at the same time. But when I arrived on this day there was no one there at the same exact time as me so really I had no one to give a spot to. The intentions were there but the opportunity was not. It will stay in my mind though.

and yesterday Sunday, If I’m sticking to the truth, I didn’t even pick a good deed. So there was nothing this day for Good Deeds to complete. Full day of school and forgot to look in the journal that morning.

SO FAR: this week with the bonus deeds, I completed 6 deeds still which is awesome bringing my count to 26 out of 33 deeds so far. AWESOME

THIS WEEKS DEEDS:

2/3/14: GIVE CREDIT WHEREVER YOU CAN

2/4/14: START A BIRTHDAY CALENDAR to help you remember to send cards

2/5/14: SMILE WHEN YOU TALK ON THE PHONE, it makes your voice friendly

2/6/14: bless your interruptions as an opportunity to TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SMILE


2/7/14: MYSTERY DEED

2/8/14: LEAVE A BIG TIP
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Are You Having A Hard Time Staying Motivated? Here’s Why

Competition

“A lot of people jump into higher consciousness, and forget about lower consciousness. They haven’t done their ego work, their feeling work. They’re bliss’d out. It’s just another mood alteration, and it’s a hell of a trip. I did it myself….it became very important to me to realize all of that was a kind of intellectual defense – a wonderful mood alteration, compulsive spirituality. It was a way to stay out of my feelings. I think all that stuff is really valid, but if you don’t do your ego work – what I call the original pain work – it WILL pull you back” – John Bradshaw

Have you ever felt highly motivated about something, you feel great about it and slowly but surely that motivation fades away and you feel like your back where you started? I feel like that happens to me a lot in a lot of different areas. One for example is when I want to start working out and feeling healthy. I will start to wakeup early, maybe do some morning exercise videos. Eat a healthy breakfast, maybe even juice and drink some tea. Go to the gym after work, occasionally fit in some bikram yoga. Start a nice bedtime routine and feel wonderful like “This is how the day should go everyday“. Then slowly but surely over the course of a few weeks, sometimes even just a few days, some of the new habits starts to fall off until eventually I’m back where I started agonizing over why I can’t keep going.

One of the first things we learned in class was the different realms we work from. At the top there is the physical realm. The act of DOING stuff. Underneath that is the Mental realm which is our THINKING. Next under that the Emotional realm which of course is our FEELING. Together the Mental realm and the Emotional Realm is what we call our EGO. Underneath that is the unconscious, things that are there but we do not remember whatsoever. And lastly under that is our Spiritual Realm aka our Authentic Self which is one of Love, acceptance, peace, joy etc. It’s who we TRULY are, our SOUL.

DOING leads to THINKING leads to FEELING. Things that are in the unconscious are unknown of course (otherwise we’d be conscious of them) and those things will come up as they need to when its perfect time for you to deal with them.

So to explain this method of DOING something and feeling motivated and then regressing back to your original state, we have to look and work on our ego. Our ego likes to play tug of war with our authentic self. It doesn’t like being pushed to the side and forgotten about. So in moments when we feel our Authentic self and we act on it, our ego will feel a bit left out so you know what he does? He gently and sometimes not so gently will start to a game of tug of war with our soul. 

The soul has us thinking and feeling “You will feel wonderful…you will be at peace and grateful and full of love and wanna dance in the field of happiness with the world”  well the ego pulls back and says “oh no….you can’t forget about me…I’m gonna make you feel separated, jealous, intolerance and anger” and he lead us into situations in which we will be forced to deal with all the mental and emotional unresolved issues that were stopping us from acting from our Authentic selves in the first place.

We might feel very spiritual and authentic in a moment but unless we have the knowledge, skills, and experience etc to deal with and resolve the stuff the ego has brung forth, we will be unable to sustain the positive physical actions. On the other hand when you are able to resolve them, when you find yourself in situations, the feelings the ego will try to push on you will no longer bother you and it is then when you can consistently start to move forward in the physical task you are wanting to progress in.

I have come to see how this pattern has been true for me. I have been living in a sort of spiritual entertainment state for the last 4 years. Reading the books, attending the seminars, helping others, feeling the bliss from the positive physical actions. But I also know I have done very little to really work on the ego aka original pain work. I just haven’t had the right skills to be able to effectively do so. So with no fail, I do find myself pulled back into a war in which my ego likes to win. That one time I skip out on going to the gym or eat something bad takes me to a place of negative self talk, shame, and all the pain work that had me in a place of “not-doing” to begin with and that discourages me until im back at…..you guessed it NOT DOING!

The question then becomes, Well Barista, how do we deal with ego and the pain work? How can we work to dissolve it?

Yoga at the nature

That answer can be different for everyone. I don’t know if I have that answer. Previously for me the answer was to read lots of spiritual books, listen to online conferences, read uplifting blogs, immerse myself in spirituality and while that all is awesome, without doing the “pain work”, it’s nothing much different then alcohol or drugs. It became addicting because it’s was giving me the blissful feeling without having to deal with the hard stuff. And when stuff did get hard it became really easy to blame others…well he isn’t doing all the “work” I’m doing so he just doesn’t understand.

Listening to people talk and reading blogs are good but it’s just words. It’s just someone talking or me reading. Doing yoga, juicing, exercising, attending seminars, even me making a move and applying to school and any other “spiritual” practice is all good stuff, definitely GREAT STARTS but if you’re just using it to temporarily forget about the “pain work” and not experiencing and dissolving the ego then you WILL find yourself back in the same place you were before you started.

This is one reason I am highly appreciative and grateful for my school in this moment. It is giving me the tools and most importantly the experience in a safe environment which is VERY important. I am able to not only work on myself through experience with my classmates but I also get to experience these classmates as other souls working on the same goal. Connect to their loving essence. This is teaching me to release judgement and learn self compassion and compassion for others. Having this experience in this type of environment then allows me to enter into the “outside world” which may not feel so safe all the time, and allows me to fully practice and recreate the feelings I have created inside the safe environment. Not only that its one full weekend at a time.

Although I do highly recommend USM to everyone on the planet, I’m not suggesting its the only way to go. But I am suggesting to find the support that works for you. One that allows you to practice without judgement and one that is full of love and acceptance. You’re current practices may work but when you see that ego surface use that opportunity to figure out the underlying pains and work on dissolving those.

A common thing for us to do is to blame and try to change the outside factors so we don’t have to deal with what’s going on inside of us. but it’s when we learn to take responsibility for those moments that we start to dissolve them. Those moments may not always feel so great. There is crying, and headaches, and lots and lots of turmoil, but there’s also connection and love and forgiveness and acceptance…most importantly in yourself. The ego can then no longer sustain our authentic selves and our soul becomes stronger. It’s when feeling and thinking those qualities in ourselves that we no longer have to blame the outside world. We then welcome it with open arms and love. These are the moments in which you grow and good news is, those are the moments that prove you are willing to feel alive. If you aren’t feeling the Ying and the Yang, you are moving through life dead and we all know there’s no fulfillment in that.

In what areas do you find yourself highly motivated but then regressed? Do you notice if you are pushing away the ego or do you work on dissolving it? Take a moment to look at your practice and see where you can improve on the pain work.

Vulnerability leads to connection. Connections allows us to see we aren’t alone. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your thoughts or story in the comments section below so that you can open the opportunity for a connection with someone else

Stay tuned and see how my process is developing along the way while attending USM.

xoxo,

barista

Ps: If you are indeed ready to start working on dissolving the issues that are holding you back, I am Very very proud to announce USM is still enrolling students. The only requirement is that you want to become a better YOU. While, if you qualify,  you can get your Masters Degree, there are people that aren’t working on that. Being that it’s only one weekend a month, you can live anywhere on the planet and attend. There are people in my class from Boston, Florida, Virginia, Canada, Mexico and many more places other than Los Angeles. Invest in YOU. ITS YOUR TIME!

for more info click here