Ending Year One and Remembering What Has Always Been

thumbnailI remember when I was a really small child, maybe 5 or 6, and having an “Inner Body Experience” as I would like to call it. I could stare at my hand for a few seconds and all of a sudden feel myself as a soul inside of my body. It was as if I was watching a movie or a play and watching my thoughts and watching life happen in front of me. I would trip out a bit thinking about how I am a person with a body and this is all real yet having this knowing that I and everyone else was much more than what I could see or comprehend at the time.

Having this experience was almost like a high for me. I remember the first time I did it, i felt weird and didn’t really know what was happening but after a few times of having this experience, I was able to control it and all I had to do was look at my hand and I would disappear into this Inner Body Experience. I could look into the mirror, look at my face and know that I was not my body or my thoughts. I was a soul. I was the Universe. I knew that I was Love.

As I got older and started identifying more with myself as my ego, the Inner Body Experiences happened less and less until they didn’t happen at all anymore. Not that they couldn’t, but as experiences happened, I simply started to forget who I was. I identified with my body, with my thoughts, with my behaviors. It wasn’t until recently that I even remembered the Inner Body Experiences ever happening at all.

After going through a really depressing stage in my life, probably one of the worst times ever, back when I was 23 years old and pregnant with my first son, I started to rediscover my Self.

“A certain desperation is usually necessary before we’re ready for God… Until your knees finally hit the floor, you’re just playing at life, and on some level you’re scared because you know you’re just playing. The moment of surrender is not when life is over. It’s when it begins”
-Marianne Williamson

It felt like I had dove head first into a never ending well and couldn’t stop. I was taking seminars, and reading books, and watching movies, and learning a bunch of things that resonated with every single thing I felt I ever believed in during all the years before. My “knowing” and my inner feelings were being expressed through these things in ways that I could never express outside myself. The best part was that none of this felt like I was “learning” anything but rather was “remembering” it all.

I would open a book and everything I read was like something I already knew inside and I was getting validation for my previous thoughts and beliefs. It was the learning how to BE these things that became the hard part. After living years and years in my ego, forgetting what I felt and knew when I was 5 and 6 years old, living this more conscious lifestyle wasn’t so easy. Especially because the ego will do anything it can to make sure you hold on to it.

When I discovered the University of Santa Monica, the school for Spiritual Psychology, my heart almost fell out of my chest. To take classes and get hands on experience in learning how to break down the barriers that are preventing me from living the full expression of my soul, seemed like I had stepped into a miracle. Everything I had ever connected so deeply with, was being taught in an experiential way through this school. So not only was I going to further the “remembering” but I was going to get practice in learning how to “walk the talk”.

This last 9 months of school has been nothing short of amazing. There was not a moment that I felt I didn’t want to be in class. I craved the environment we all created and the loving energy that existed by stepping foot into the classroom, even being pregnant. It was safe, and accepting. Loving and vulnerable. I had connected so profoundly and deeply with almost every single person I ever talked to in that classroom. I had seen myself as them when they spoke and I knew they saw themselves as me when I spoke. The feeling of unity and oneness was experienced every weekend that I had class (which was one weekend a month). It became impossible to look at anyone in my class and not just love the shit out of them. It was impossible!!!

We had a 6 day lab as the last week of school; It was the chance to really go deeper into our experience of healing and resolving. We set intentions about what we wanted to get out of the lab. Most people wanted to go where they were afraid to go before. To touch on the things they were afraid to touch on before. To jump off the ledge and prove to themselves that they indeed knew how to fly.

I learned the true power of intention during this time. The true power in following through with what you intend. One after one, all week, people were healing and growing and loving and knowing. Including myself. Everyone just seemed so beautiful and light filled. It was intense and nothing I had experienced before.

As I woke up on the last day of class, I felt like my heart was on fire. I felt like it was the end of something even though class would start again in 3 short months. Through out the year I had judged my process so much, and this time I finally felt like my heart was just opening. As I stepped into the classroom and saw all the beautiful faces of my classmates, I felt so overcome with love that I just wanted to cry uncontrollably. Every person I saw, I saw past their body, I saw past their thoughts, their behaviors, their personalities. I saw right into their loving essence.

My intention for that last class was just to remember WHO I AM. That morning I remembered how when I was 6 I would look at my hand and have my Inner Body Experiences. I started to talk about who I am as a Soul and my Authentic being, my truth.

I am not my body, I am not my thought. I am not my behaviors or personality.

I AM ACCEPTANCE, I AM JOY, I AM PEACE, I AM VULNERABILITY, I BRAVE, I AM COURAGEOUS, I AM FREEDOM,  I AM THE UNIVERSE, I AM LOVE!!!!!!

I AM EVERY SINGLE THING I SEE IN EVERYONE ELSE. This means that All the great awesome qualities I was seeing in my classmates, I Am those things too. I AM! All I have to do is remember that. I was finally getting it.

I left my last class feeling the best I had felt in a very long time. I was finally remembering it all. I was finally returning to love. My heart was burning with what had always existed inside.

The one thing that trips me out is that I started class 4 months pregnant. I grew a human being inside of my body during 5 months of the year. Class was the last place I was before going to the hospital and giving birth to my baby boy. They say your consciousness exists in every cell of your body, so to think of the consciousness my child entered this world with blows my mind. He’s he happiest baby I’ve ever seen. Crazy thing is that, when I started this journey at 23, I was pregnant then too and I was going through an intense spiritual growth period. My son that was born then was always super happy and chill. I’m convinced that this awakening has a lot to do with it. People ask me now how did I get so lucky, my reply is “USM!”. 🙂

The journey has not ended by any means, there is still a lot of work to do, but I have clear intentions on what I see for my life. How I want to serve others, and I can’t serve others without honoring my SELF. This first year was only the beginning! I am returning to Love.

Here’s to the end of a miraculous year. To all the classmates I met and connected with, and even the ones I never got to talk to,  you are beautiful. You are loved!!!

Can’t wait for year two! watch out world, WE’RE COMING!

xoxo,

barista

Take Action Now!

Do you ever feel stuck sometimes thinking “I know what the right thing to do is, but how come I can’t just do it”?

I feel that way all the time. For the last couple of years, just through the journey of acknowledging my spiritual self, I have accumulated a lot of knowledge that I whole-heartedly believe in when it comes to growing and doing the things that will lead me to the life that I love. Yet for some reason, the hardest part is DOING what I think and know to be true. LIVING that life instead of just KNOWING it.

What do you think it is that holds us back from moving forward towards what we know in our hearts is the right way to go?

Often when we want results, we want results quickly. Living in the technological world as it is today, this urgency has only become stronger. So when it comes to making goals and obtaining them, we often think in terms of making drastic changes  in order to reach the ideal outcome in as little as time possible.

This way of thinking and working can be VERY effective and useful for some people in some ways but it’s not always the best method in other areas. Especially areas that are most difficult for us.  This innovative way of thinking can induce a lot of FEAR. Fear of the unknown, Fear of change, Fear we don’t have enough time, Fear of Rejection, Fear that we aren’t good enough, and/or Fear of how great things really can be for us. Next question, how do we conquer this fear?

runner-at-sunset

One of the things I love about what I’ve done in school is we have created “Ideal Scenes” for different areas in our lives. For example, I could pick my Health and Wellbeing and create the Ideal Scene for what it looks like for me to be in my own “perfect” health and wellbeing. This is created in present tense as if things are that way RIGHT NOW using “I AM” phrases.

“I AM waking up early with lots of energy, excited to start the day”
“I AM having an alkaline based drink every morning to coat my stomach with the nutrients it needs”
“I AM enjoying my clear radiant skin”
” I AM meditating in the mornings in the beauty of the outside peace”
“I AM enjoying my exercise routine daily”

and so on….

Then what we are doing with these ideal scenes are creating action steps towards fulfilling the spokes on our Ideal Scenes. No matter how big or small, the most important part is creating an action step we know we will absolutely follow through with. This can be the tricky part because I have learned that what seems “small” to me, may really be harder to commit to then I think. This is where getting real come into play.

For example, A few months ago, an action step I thought I could complete over the month was “going to the gym 5 times”. This seemed so easy because I used to go to the gym 5 times in one week, so 5 times in one month should be a piece of cake right? Well over that next month I went to the gym ONCE. The next month instead of changing my action step, I decided to keep it the same. “Ok this time no excuses” I told myself. “I will make sure I go 5 times”. I looked at the schedule for a class I wanted to take and easily realized that I would do it this time. Welp, the next month I didn’t even get to the gym at all. How do you think this made me feel? Yea, not so good about myself.

Ya see, we are only as good as our word is and our word is directly related to our self-confidence. The more do not follow through with what we say we are going to do, the more we lose trust in ourselves. Trusting yourself is HUGE when it comes to continuing on that journey towards your dreams. Without trust, we create fear.

This next month, I’ll admit I was a little afraid to make any commitments because I wasn’t so sure I could trust myself to follow through, even with something that seemed so easy. This distrust and low esteem drains a lot of energy when it comes to even thinking about my ideal scenes.

During my last class session, instead of picking actions that we thought we would follow through with, big or small, we created VERY small steps towards the spokes on our ideal scenes. Instead of saying I am going to go to the gym 5 times in a month, or even 1 time in a month, I was to think of the VERY next step that I would do. How about I just make myself a gym bag with clothes I would take to work out. Not committing to going to the gym but just putting together the bag and putting it in the car. Even less than that, I could maybe just make a list of classes I would like to try. Just a list.

Instead of committing to four green smoothies or juices a month, maybe I just commit to buying veggies and fruits. Or even less, just pick out and make a list of recipes I want to try, and the ingredients I would need….You get the idea. Start Small!

If my word is directly related to my confidence and self-trust level, then although small, imagine how these steps would easily boost my confidence level. The Universe/God/Highest Power supports us in receiving the things that are meant to be in our lives, but it doesn’t do ALL the work for us. We are CO-creators in our lives…so when we take action, other doors will open allowing us to make the choice in taking the next step.

From that small boost of making myself a gym bag, I would most likely be energized to want to go further. If my gym bag is already made and in the car, I actually might want to work out one day. I may not feel the need to commit to it just yet but of course anything more is always an option. If not yet, no sweat, but if so, that’s even greater for me.

By taking these small steps, we are not only building our confidence but we are actually eliminating the fear that would be associated with steps that are much bigger.

KNOWING what to do is awesome, it’s definitely a great start, but just KNOWING is not enough. In order to reach your goals and dreams, taking action is something you must do over and over again.   Sometimes is seems so easy to know what to do, it can be clear as day to know what others should do, but as you may know in certain areas of your life, KNOWING what to do and consistently DOING it are two different things.

Over the last few years, immersing myself in books, blogs, seminars, shows, I loved gaining all the knowledge I was learning. It all resonates so true to me. My thoughts were always “How can I learn more?” But over time, I started to realize that knowledge is not truly what I am seeking. What I am seeking is the gift of experience. Knowing how to make a great meal does nothing for me if I don’t make it. I can’t experience the process and the great taste of the outcome if I don’t take action. Knowledge is indeed powerful and very necessary for those who want to create change. Knowing what you want, what you don’t want. How to get what you want. How to become better… but knowledge by itself doesn’t create the experience you thrive for… Taking Action does!

What is it that you have had a hard time acting on in your life? Create your ideal scene of that area. Don’t forget to use present tense sentences to add more power and possibility to your scenes. Then TAKE ACTION. You decide how big or small you want to go. If you mess up or you can’t keep the commitment, it’s OK. Let go of any judgement. Judgement only holds you back. Allow yourself to figure out what steps you CAN take, even if they seem itsy bitsy.

It’s the ACTION that will get you to where you want to be, not just the KNOWLEDGE.

Let me know in the comments below your experience!

light and love

xoxo,

barista

I Am Light

BLOG - HEART GLOW


“I Am Light”

By: India.Arie

I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
 
I am not the things my family did
I am not the voices in my head
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside

I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light

I’m not the mistakes that I have made or any of the things that caused me pain
I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind

I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light

I am not the color of my eyes
I am not the skin on the outside
I am not my age, I am not my race, my soul inside is all light

All light, all light
I am light, I am light

I am divinity defined
I am the God on the inside
I am a star, a piece of it all
I am light