The Courtney in All of Us ::: A Bachelor Beginning:::


Ok so I definitely didn’t mean for my very first blog post to be about the Bachelor. I swear it wasnt planned, I swear! But as I was watching the finale, literally the 3rd show I’ve seen all season, I came to a realization about the one and only Courtney. Yes, the girl everyone loves to hate. Including me at a time. I immediately saw right through her in a different way. And you know what that means…. it means that in reality I saw MYSELF through her. That is all it ever means when we see something in people right away. When we think we can read through them. Know their real feelings and thoughts no matter what they are showing us. We’ve all been there. And ironically its the people we hate the most that inside are the most like us. Dont you ever wonder why it is those few people who just get under our skin soooooo much that we really wanna just shake them, or sometimes worse. It is because we have a connection with them… and more than always, we are ignoring the significance of that connection. Why? Because we could not DARE be that like them. We could not dare be as fake or mean or stupid as that person. “No one tells me I’m like that. Everyone seems to agree with me when I talk. And if someone dare try to tell me I’m mean, or inconsiderate, or fake, well….  I’ll show them how mean, inconsiderate, or fake they are too!”. Thats how it typically in one way or another right? Defense mode kicks in. We know the phrase “what you see in others is a reflection of yourself” right. Well if you really think about it, it is pretty true. BUT you have to be really open in looking at that side and being 100% vulnerable with yourself first, then others.

Tonight I saw something in Courtney that I didn’t put together before. She was absolutely afraid to just be vulnerable. Vulnerable to her feelings of wanting a real solid connection with someone and vulnerable to the possible rejection she could face in the competition. While watching the proposal, while every one was facebooking “fake” “i hate her”… I suddenly saw that she was awkward and uncomfortable. Not because she had played him but because in that moment she was vulnerable with him and she didn’t know how to deal with it. I immediately connected how by acting mean, cocky, and ingenious to the other women it was her fasaud to being vulnerable in front them. Of course inside of every mean girl is a young girl who is afraid…And who are most of us to judge? I can bet almost every single one of us has a problem with being vulnerable and even better we have a defense mechanism that protects us from that fear of rejection. I actually ended up feeling really sorry for Courtney. I felt sorry for her because her fasaud is one that comes off in a negative light which causes people not to like her and turn away from her. I felt sorry for her because I believe that like all of us, she really wants to be loved, love someone, be real and herself, but unless she can take down that “front” of hers, she is going to cause the opposite reaction. Now we all couldn’t understand why Ben would keep choosing her… but maybe she did show vulnerability with him or maybe because he was in a vulnerable state he could see that in her. Of course us seeing this other side of her, we thought she was being fake but he didn’t see that side, therefore he’s not wrong for believing her words and actions towards him. That is a part of being vulnerable… trusting in your own judgment.

This sparked my first blog topic because during this moment of insight I was able to figure out the defense mechanism of my own vulnerability. I think it can play out in different ways in different matters but I just realized I am totally an Avoider. Instead of just allowing myself to be vulnerable I subconsciously just try to avoid it. And I have every legit excuse to make sense of my avoidance. I have wanted to start this blog for MONTHSSSSS and have procrastinated and made excuses and wrote it off so many times that it has taken discovering that hidden side of Courtney in The Bachelor to bring it out of me. When I first thought of writing this blog, my excuse was many things. I had to of course wait for that “perfect time”.  As long as I stayed afraid, the more excuses I would make. “I’m not a good enough writer”, “I don’t know how I want to format it”, ” I’m not educated enough to know what I was talking about”. “Was I gonna be anonymous or in the open?”, “Was I ready to be real with myself and the world?”. “Can I be vulnerable”  “I’m not good enough” “will people reject me?”….. 

All of us are a little familiar with the last couple of phrases in some way. Well I guess I can say Thank You to Courtney for letting me see through you today, because of the fact that I was able to see some vulnerability in there, made me realize that I need to just START and be vulnerable unless I want to miss out on an opportunity to do something I’ve been waiting to do.  Wil I make mistakes? Of course I will. Will I always be perfect? No I won’t. Will everyone support me? not they won’t. All that matters is that I stay intune with what I am experiencing and learn the lessons that come my way… I have to support myself and allow others the opportunity to support me as well. I am ready to start being vulnerable because in vulnerability lies truth and I know through me being real, I have the opportunity to inspire others.

That is what this blog will be about. My journey on the path to discovering my vulnerability as well as my truth and integrity. I encourage you to take the walk with me and leave me your feelings along the way. Good, bad, in between. I promise I wont get mad :))) It is the only way to learn. If you see through me, let me know what you see… because it will help me to get to know myself better as well as you 🙂 When I am able to be real about my faults/fears/vulnerability it allows me to connect and accept others and Its awesome to realize how similar and connected we really are.

Now my challenge to you is to try to let your guard down and allow yourself to be vulnerable in a situation in which you usually fear rejection. Make it your intention!!! More importantly, when that fear starts to set in take notice to what your defense mechanisms are. To all the Courtney haters {and lovers} dissect those things you see in her, and just try to see how you can be that way sometimes…. Remember, just because you can BE that way doesn’t mean you ARE that way.  Now my truth about Courtney may not feel true to you. I saw vulnerability in her for my own reasons. I’m not speaking the truth for everyone. BUT if indeed you do not agree with me, you can’t see her fear of vulnerability (esp with women) then check in with yourself and just figure out, do you have problems relating to your own vulnerability?? maybe that could hinder you from detecting it in others…hmmmm… With all my writings, I just ask you to take what resonates with you because there is a reason why and leave whats left because there’s a reason not.

Until tomorrow,

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