Your Child Doesn’t Need To Earn Your Trust

picture from withacuppacoffee wordpress

picture from withacuppacoffee wordpress

As you may know, I am reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. I think this book is absolutely amazing and I think every parent or person wanting to be a parent can benefit from the perspective that it brings to the table. Honestly, I think even if you never want to be a parent, this book can translate to your other relationships just as well.

Our children are a mirror of the child in us, and if we are wise, we will use that mirror as a tool to “grow ourselves up” so that in turn we can make sure our children are growing up as well without the projections of our own feelings and unresolved childhood. Our children are people too!

Because our children start off so small and dependent on us, I think it can be challenging to realize that they are their own spirit with their own purpose and lessons in life, and because of this we can unknowingly hinder their true nature and spirit from really shining due to our lack of consciousness and the weight we put on our own ego.

I want to share one a section of The Conscious Parent, mainly because I feel that TRUST, in general, plays a huge role in our ability to truly express our own true essence, in turn our children’s ability to express theirs. If we want our children to really grow up, it starts with us. I think this section of the book can relate to children or any other relationship in your life whether you are a parent or not. If anything, you can see the type of projections your parents may have projected onto you and how you may be living those out in other areas of your life. Do you project a natural trust and confidence or distrust and anxiety of life?

“Because few of us really trust the wisdom of life, people tend to project their lack of trust onto their children. Consequently, our society believes that trust has to be earned.

I believe that not only do our children not need to earn our trust, but they need to know that we trust them implicitly, because we see them as fundamentally trustworthy. Just by their presence, our children have earned the right to be trusted. To ask them to earn our trust reflects an insecure, power-hungry attitude that’s charged with both fear and ego.

To have implicit trust in our children requires that, as parents, we display a basic reverence for and trust in life. The degree to which our children feel trusted by us reflects the trust or lack of trust we ourselves have. When we come from the mindset that all of life is wise, and therefore all its manifestations good, we see our children this way. We frame all mistakes as emerging out of a pure place. If this is so, where is there room not to trust our children? On the other hand, if we are anxious and doubt our ability to transform life’s struggles into spiritual gold, no matter how we assure our children that all will be fine, we unconsciously transmit the opposite message.

As parents, we communicate trust or distrust in the subtlest ways. The questions we ask our children, the lectures we give them, and the unsolicited advice we dish out all convey trust or distrust. For instance, when we repeatedly ask our children how they are doing, believing they must be going through something, or other, we unwittingly communicating our own anxiety and hence our mistrust of life. By constantly checking on our children, hovering over them, or needing to know everything about their world ,we communicate a sense of uncertainty which undermines their basic trust in themselves. The less we check in on them in an anxious manner, the more we communicate the message that we don’t need to check in with them all the time because we know they are fully capable of taking care of themselves and will ask for help when they need it.

When we make decisions for our children without giving them the chance to chart their own course, we communicate to them our own powerfulness and their helplessness., which fosters a distrust of themselves. If, instead, we solicit their ideas and show respect for these ideas, even if we can’t always incorporate them into our plans, we communicate a deep reverence for their ability to contribute to the discussion at hand. Our children sense when we have a true deep respect for their opinions and choices. It’s vital we recognize that, though they may only be little, they have a valid opinion that we respect and always take it into consideration. As our children see that their presence is both meaningful and important to us, they learn to trust their inner voice.

We promote trust when we encourage our children to speak up and be heard. They learn to trust themselves as we tell them ‘I admire the way you put your thoughts together,’ and assure them ‘I trust you to do the right thing’. Should they happen to make an unwise choice, we don’t allow this to cause us to indicate a lack of trust in them, but simply tell them in a matter of fact manner, ‘You made this decision and now you are learning from it.’ Lack of trust doesn’t enter the equation.

I assure my daughter, ‘You will always be okay, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, because this is the sort of person you are’. Above all, I communicate a trust in life’s ability to take care of us spiritually. Once we look at life as an incubator of consciousness, what is there not to trust?

When our children sense our respect for their ability to lead the way, this empowers them beyond measure. As they learn they are worthy of holding trust, this will come to mean the world to them. They will naturally rise to our trust in them.”

in what ways was trust or distrust projected onto you by your parents? Do you find yourself comfortable with life’s situations or do you find that you are anxious about things? How are you projecting that onto your children? In what ways can you be more trusting in your own life?

Leave your comments in the comments section and SHARE this with anyone you think might like. I hope u found this insightful in some way

xoxo,

barista

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The Conscious Parent: Is Your Child Growing You Up?

So not sure if you know this about me yet, but I love reading and when I read good books, which is usually every book I read it feels like, I love to share the information in them. When I read, I usually highlight along the way all the good points, which in most cases ends up being every other line. It’s hard to get through pages without wanting to post quotes on Facebook. Sometimes to finish reading effectively, I have to put the highlighter down and just read so I can get through it. Well now is not one of those times. I had to stop and get online and post a part that I like out of the book I am currently reading called The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary.

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I watched this awesome woman on Oprah’s Lifeclass and her theories around Conscious Parenting. It coincides exactly with what I learn in school. That when we are disturbed, instead of blaming or trying to control outside people or situations, we must look within to see what is being triggered inside of us and work on healing that instead. As parents, our children are here to mirror to us deep healing opportunities…if we are aware of that. Most of the time, instead, we try to control our children into being what we want them to be and act how we want them to act. We use manipulation and control tactics and this way of parenting can cause us to hinder their true spirit and purpose in this world. So this book takes us on a journey letting us look at our own ego and seeing where we can heal and let go in order to foster the true essence of our children’s spirit.

“Especially in the early years, parents function as mirrors for their children. Consequently, if you are unable to access your joy, you will be unable to be a mirror of your children’s joy. Thus they are barred from access  to an essential aspect of their being. How sad for a child not to be able to enjoy their spontaneously joyous essence!

 

Our consciousness and unconsciousness are transmitted not only by our overt pain, but also in the energy we exude just by our presence, even when we say and do nothing. Thus our children pick up a great deal from how we embrace them each morning, how we react when they break our favorite vase, how we handle ourselves in traffic accidents, how we sit and talk to them, whether we really look at what they show us, and whether we take an interest in what they say. They notice when we intrude on their life with unwarranted questions and demands, and they feel it when we withdraw from them or utter reprimands. They are moved by how we praise their successes, but wounded when we put them down for their failures. They are aware of how it feels to be in our presence when we sit in silence with them, and the energy field of acceptance or rejection they experience around us. Each of these moment-by-moment exchanges transmits either consciousness or unconsciousness.

 

How can you give to your children unless you first allow yourself to be filled from your own well? Unless you are fulfilled, you will use your children to complete you. You will teach them how to live with your unacknowledged fears, your rejected emptiness, your forgotten lies – all while unaware you are doing so. Such is the power of unacknowledged lostness.”

– Dr. Shefali Tsabary (The Conscious Parent p57-58)

The reason this quote stuck out to me is because it’s a huge reminder for why I am even reading the book. Our children can feel everything and they are perceiving our actions and internalizing them constantly. What is it that you want your child to internalize? Your own unresolved issues or the power of their own essence? It’s time to wake up and become more conscious of our lives. It’s time to  wake up to the power of our own essence to mirror to our children the strength that resides in them. I see this information not only good for our relationship with our children but also our relationships in general. How often do we try to control others or situations around us instead of going inward to heal that which is being triggered? What would it look like to learn how to not only accept others for who they are, but learn how to let their true essence shine? How can we mirror the goodness in everyone else? It starts but looking in the mirror at ourselves FIRST.

A month or so ago, I posted about being addicted to Facebook and the need to be more present. I’ll still save my journey for another post (at some point) but to sum it up quickly, although I feel like I’ve been getting BETTER, I am not in the ideal place I would like to be. I will give myself credit though for my efforts and my willingness to acknowledge where I am at and where I want to be. This journey is about being more present not only for myself but for my kids and my relationships. I want to be a more conscious parent and person and I have faith I will get there. I am becoming more aware, and even if it takes time, it’s the awareness that will lead me to where I want to be. This book is an awesome support in that goal.

I highly recommend The Conscious Parent to ALL parents and to ALL people wanting kids. It can actually be extremely helpful to those without kids because how awesome is it to get the opportunity to learn and gain perspective before your child is born instead of when they are already 5 or 16 years old. It’s never too early OR too late.

What is something you want to do (or stop doing) to be more Present in your life?

 

xoxo,

barista