Your Child Doesn’t Need To Earn Your Trust

picture from withacuppacoffee wordpress

picture from withacuppacoffee wordpress

As you may know, I am reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. I think this book is absolutely amazing and I think every parent or person wanting to be a parent can benefit from the perspective that it brings to the table. Honestly, I think even if you never want to be a parent, this book can translate to your other relationships just as well.

Our children are a mirror of the child in us, and if we are wise, we will use that mirror as a tool to “grow ourselves up” so that in turn we can make sure our children are growing up as well without the projections of our own feelings and unresolved childhood. Our children are people too!

Because our children start off so small and dependent on us, I think it can be challenging to realize that they are their own spirit with their own purpose and lessons in life, and because of this we can unknowingly hinder their true nature and spirit from really shining due to our lack of consciousness and the weight we put on our own ego.

I want to share one a section of The Conscious Parent, mainly because I feel that TRUST, in general, plays a huge role in our ability to truly express our own true essence, in turn our children’s ability to express theirs. If we want our children to really grow up, it starts with us. I think this section of the book can relate to children or any other relationship in your life whether you are a parent or not. If anything, you can see the type of projections your parents may have projected onto you and how you may be living those out in other areas of your life. Do you project a natural trust and confidence or distrust and anxiety of life?

“Because few of us really trust the wisdom of life, people tend to project their lack of trust onto their children. Consequently, our society believes that trust has to be earned.

I believe that not only do our children not need to earn our trust, but they need to know that we trust them implicitly, because we see them as fundamentally trustworthy. Just by their presence, our children have earned the right to be trusted. To ask them to earn our trust reflects an insecure, power-hungry attitude that’s charged with both fear and ego.

To have implicit trust in our children requires that, as parents, we display a basic reverence for and trust in life. The degree to which our children feel trusted by us reflects the trust or lack of trust we ourselves have. When we come from the mindset that all of life is wise, and therefore all its manifestations good, we see our children this way. We frame all mistakes as emerging out of a pure place. If this is so, where is there room not to trust our children? On the other hand, if we are anxious and doubt our ability to transform life’s struggles into spiritual gold, no matter how we assure our children that all will be fine, we unconsciously transmit the opposite message.

As parents, we communicate trust or distrust in the subtlest ways. The questions we ask our children, the lectures we give them, and the unsolicited advice we dish out all convey trust or distrust. For instance, when we repeatedly ask our children how they are doing, believing they must be going through something, or other, we unwittingly communicating our own anxiety and hence our mistrust of life. By constantly checking on our children, hovering over them, or needing to know everything about their world ,we communicate a sense of uncertainty which undermines their basic trust in themselves. The less we check in on them in an anxious manner, the more we communicate the message that we don’t need to check in with them all the time because we know they are fully capable of taking care of themselves and will ask for help when they need it.

When we make decisions for our children without giving them the chance to chart their own course, we communicate to them our own powerfulness and their helplessness., which fosters a distrust of themselves. If, instead, we solicit their ideas and show respect for these ideas, even if we can’t always incorporate them into our plans, we communicate a deep reverence for their ability to contribute to the discussion at hand. Our children sense when we have a true deep respect for their opinions and choices. It’s vital we recognize that, though they may only be little, they have a valid opinion that we respect and always take it into consideration. As our children see that their presence is both meaningful and important to us, they learn to trust their inner voice.

We promote trust when we encourage our children to speak up and be heard. They learn to trust themselves as we tell them ‘I admire the way you put your thoughts together,’ and assure them ‘I trust you to do the right thing’. Should they happen to make an unwise choice, we don’t allow this to cause us to indicate a lack of trust in them, but simply tell them in a matter of fact manner, ‘You made this decision and now you are learning from it.’ Lack of trust doesn’t enter the equation.

I assure my daughter, ‘You will always be okay, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, because this is the sort of person you are’. Above all, I communicate a trust in life’s ability to take care of us spiritually. Once we look at life as an incubator of consciousness, what is there not to trust?

When our children sense our respect for their ability to lead the way, this empowers them beyond measure. As they learn they are worthy of holding trust, this will come to mean the world to them. They will naturally rise to our trust in them.”

in what ways was trust or distrust projected onto you by your parents? Do you find yourself comfortable with life’s situations or do you find that you are anxious about things? How are you projecting that onto your children? In what ways can you be more trusting in your own life?

Leave your comments in the comments section and SHARE this with anyone you think might like. I hope u found this insightful in some way

xoxo,

barista

Take Action Now!

Do you ever feel stuck sometimes thinking “I know what the right thing to do is, but how come I can’t just do it”?

I feel that way all the time. For the last couple of years, just through the journey of acknowledging my spiritual self, I have accumulated a lot of knowledge that I whole-heartedly believe in when it comes to growing and doing the things that will lead me to the life that I love. Yet for some reason, the hardest part is DOING what I think and know to be true. LIVING that life instead of just KNOWING it.

What do you think it is that holds us back from moving forward towards what we know in our hearts is the right way to go?

Often when we want results, we want results quickly. Living in the technological world as it is today, this urgency has only become stronger. So when it comes to making goals and obtaining them, we often think in terms of making drastic changes  in order to reach the ideal outcome in as little as time possible.

This way of thinking and working can be VERY effective and useful for some people in some ways but it’s not always the best method in other areas. Especially areas that are most difficult for us.  This innovative way of thinking can induce a lot of FEAR. Fear of the unknown, Fear of change, Fear we don’t have enough time, Fear of Rejection, Fear that we aren’t good enough, and/or Fear of how great things really can be for us. Next question, how do we conquer this fear?

runner-at-sunset

One of the things I love about what I’ve done in school is we have created “Ideal Scenes” for different areas in our lives. For example, I could pick my Health and Wellbeing and create the Ideal Scene for what it looks like for me to be in my own “perfect” health and wellbeing. This is created in present tense as if things are that way RIGHT NOW using “I AM” phrases.

“I AM waking up early with lots of energy, excited to start the day”
“I AM having an alkaline based drink every morning to coat my stomach with the nutrients it needs”
“I AM enjoying my clear radiant skin”
” I AM meditating in the mornings in the beauty of the outside peace”
“I AM enjoying my exercise routine daily”

and so on….

Then what we are doing with these ideal scenes are creating action steps towards fulfilling the spokes on our Ideal Scenes. No matter how big or small, the most important part is creating an action step we know we will absolutely follow through with. This can be the tricky part because I have learned that what seems “small” to me, may really be harder to commit to then I think. This is where getting real come into play.

For example, A few months ago, an action step I thought I could complete over the month was “going to the gym 5 times”. This seemed so easy because I used to go to the gym 5 times in one week, so 5 times in one month should be a piece of cake right? Well over that next month I went to the gym ONCE. The next month instead of changing my action step, I decided to keep it the same. “Ok this time no excuses” I told myself. “I will make sure I go 5 times”. I looked at the schedule for a class I wanted to take and easily realized that I would do it this time. Welp, the next month I didn’t even get to the gym at all. How do you think this made me feel? Yea, not so good about myself.

Ya see, we are only as good as our word is and our word is directly related to our self-confidence. The more do not follow through with what we say we are going to do, the more we lose trust in ourselves. Trusting yourself is HUGE when it comes to continuing on that journey towards your dreams. Without trust, we create fear.

This next month, I’ll admit I was a little afraid to make any commitments because I wasn’t so sure I could trust myself to follow through, even with something that seemed so easy. This distrust and low esteem drains a lot of energy when it comes to even thinking about my ideal scenes.

During my last class session, instead of picking actions that we thought we would follow through with, big or small, we created VERY small steps towards the spokes on our ideal scenes. Instead of saying I am going to go to the gym 5 times in a month, or even 1 time in a month, I was to think of the VERY next step that I would do. How about I just make myself a gym bag with clothes I would take to work out. Not committing to going to the gym but just putting together the bag and putting it in the car. Even less than that, I could maybe just make a list of classes I would like to try. Just a list.

Instead of committing to four green smoothies or juices a month, maybe I just commit to buying veggies and fruits. Or even less, just pick out and make a list of recipes I want to try, and the ingredients I would need….You get the idea. Start Small!

If my word is directly related to my confidence and self-trust level, then although small, imagine how these steps would easily boost my confidence level. The Universe/God/Highest Power supports us in receiving the things that are meant to be in our lives, but it doesn’t do ALL the work for us. We are CO-creators in our lives…so when we take action, other doors will open allowing us to make the choice in taking the next step.

From that small boost of making myself a gym bag, I would most likely be energized to want to go further. If my gym bag is already made and in the car, I actually might want to work out one day. I may not feel the need to commit to it just yet but of course anything more is always an option. If not yet, no sweat, but if so, that’s even greater for me.

By taking these small steps, we are not only building our confidence but we are actually eliminating the fear that would be associated with steps that are much bigger.

KNOWING what to do is awesome, it’s definitely a great start, but just KNOWING is not enough. In order to reach your goals and dreams, taking action is something you must do over and over again.   Sometimes is seems so easy to know what to do, it can be clear as day to know what others should do, but as you may know in certain areas of your life, KNOWING what to do and consistently DOING it are two different things.

Over the last few years, immersing myself in books, blogs, seminars, shows, I loved gaining all the knowledge I was learning. It all resonates so true to me. My thoughts were always “How can I learn more?” But over time, I started to realize that knowledge is not truly what I am seeking. What I am seeking is the gift of experience. Knowing how to make a great meal does nothing for me if I don’t make it. I can’t experience the process and the great taste of the outcome if I don’t take action. Knowledge is indeed powerful and very necessary for those who want to create change. Knowing what you want, what you don’t want. How to get what you want. How to become better… but knowledge by itself doesn’t create the experience you thrive for… Taking Action does!

What is it that you have had a hard time acting on in your life? Create your ideal scene of that area. Don’t forget to use present tense sentences to add more power and possibility to your scenes. Then TAKE ACTION. You decide how big or small you want to go. If you mess up or you can’t keep the commitment, it’s OK. Let go of any judgement. Judgement only holds you back. Allow yourself to figure out what steps you CAN take, even if they seem itsy bitsy.

It’s the ACTION that will get you to where you want to be, not just the KNOWLEDGE.

Let me know in the comments below your experience!

light and love

xoxo,

barista

Tiny Buddha: 5 Ways You Attract Great People When You Like Yourself More

By Paul Sanders via Tiny Buddha

Picture from: hungryforchange.tv

Picture from: hungryforchange.tv

“By accepting yourself and being fully what you are, your presence can make others happy.” ~Jane Roberts

Several years ago, I was so unhappy with my harsh loneliness that I decided that I was going to try anything under the sun to build a social life and have friends that cared about me.I read all the books I could find and tried all the techniques they shared, but I still had to make a lot of effort to build friendships and hold my social life together.Then I started to learn and apply the principles of self-esteem.I used to think that I needed to be as extroverted as possible. It was exhausting, and people could see that it wasn’t really how I wanted to present myself.As a celebration of my uniqueness, I started behaving a little more like who I am—a little calmer and more interested in the depth of things.While I became less gregarious-sounding, I actually started making more friends, and more genuine ones; and the relationships with them were more solid.I was amazed at those results; I knew that self-esteem would contribute to my happiness, but never thought that being less of a gregarious person would improve my social life.When I met new people, I no longer talked about the trendy subjects that everyone was raving about. I talked about what I wanted to talk about. I expressed my unique perspective.People responded well; it gave them the chance to meet a human being who’s not afraid to express his genuine thoughts and opinions.Self-esteem completely shifted the way I interacted with people and made my social much easier to hold and develop.

Here, I want to dig deeper and share with you 5 reasons why self-esteem can help you have a better, more fulfilling social life. When you have high self-esteem:

1. You have healthy boundaries.

When you like yourself, you no longer have to say “yes” when you mean “no,” and don’t have to make false promises, either. People love to be friends with those who aren’t afraid to say “no.” This strength of spirit inspires them.This character makes people see you as trustworthy. Everyone wants friends they can trust.When you preserve your self-respect and stand up for yourself, you keep more of your energy and value. If you have no boundaries, you and your energy get depleted.

2. You’re naturally a giver of value.

When you like yourself, you believe you have value to offer, so you naturally start to see abundance instead of scarcity. You realize that the world is generous, there is enough for everyone, and we can create even more that didn’t exist before.People can tell that you’re not one of those people who think they have to take value from others to have more.This instantly puts you out of the selfish category. People fear that they’ll end up with selfish friends, who are only there to take whatever they can and give as little as possible. That’s not who they want in their life; they want friends that like them for who they are.Liking yourself indicates that you don’t have any neediness, and therefore, you only hang out with people because you genuinely appreciate them.

3. You know you’re not perfect, and you’re not for everyone; you appreciate your uniqueness.

When you like yourself, you appreciate your uniqueness and have no problem with some people seeing things differently than you. You therefore celebrate your unique talents and opinions.When you appreciate your uniqueness, you tend to cultivate and grow it. That is exactly what makes you an interesting person to be around.For example, if you like Southern Italian cuisine, even if no one you know else does, you start to get more and more interested in it, which means you’ll start to know more about Italian geography, history, and world views. You’ll maybe even go there on vacation.People love being around others who are passionate about something; it inspires them to get passionate about their own interests.

4. You’re cheerful and you can see the good in people.

When you like yourself, you see the good in yourself, but you also see the good in others. This is an instant charmer! People are keen to know if you’ll appreciate who they are and what they have to offer to the world.When you have that positive energy within your own life, you start to project it on to others. First, your cheerfulness catches their attention; second, they realize that you’re not only optimistic for yourself, but for them as well.

5. You’re not overly serious.

Liking yourself means that you’re realistic and can recognize your imperfections, quirks, and mistakes. You know you can improve what you want but will never be perfect, and you’re okay with that.This means you’ll have enough confidence to poke fun at yourself. Other people recognize this, and know that they can have lots of fun around you, as you don’t take yourself too seriously.This also shows a side of you that is vulnerable and completely human. People get fixated on this on the spot because they recognize the same human vulnerability in themselves.Great people reserve a special spot in their life for people who can interact and relate without masks or barriers to hide behind—and that comes from liking yourself.