If Trust is Risky, Why Put Yourself On The Line?

Do you find that you have a hard time trusting? Do you wish you could trust more, but you have been so hurt in the past that you don’t know how? If Trust is so risky, why take the chance? Because distrust leads to far worse scenario then trusting ever will. By not trusting, you close the door from anything great happening.

trust

There is one thing I can think of off the top of my head that people have the hardest time placing their trust in. The Future. What could, should, or would happen to us in the future because of some person, place, or thing. We will literally drive ourselves stir crazy wondering “WHAT IF…” about other people and what they can or might do, think, or say to us if we let our guard down (or even when it’s up) and what will happen to us in the future and if something will prevent us from receiving what we want.

Fear is the foundation for distrust. When we distrust we become overly consumed with more fear. We want to keep our guard tower manned with maximum security, making sure we know exactly what’s going on at all times, controlling the situation AT ALL COST. Even if that cost is our own peace and sanity.

That person is not going to get over on me“, “I can’t let that happen to me“, or “what can i do to make sure that ______ never happens to me?”, we tell ourselves. We begin to question ourselves over an over looking for the solution that will finally give us comfort. Yet what we don’t understand is that looking for a solution through the same fearful energy that brought us to this place is near impossible. Whatever solution we come up with, will never be enough because, it too, is produced through fear. We then find ourselves in a cycle of pretending everything is okay yet constantly questioning if it really is. Distrusting doesn’t sound very fun does it?

Ironically, by distrusting, we are trying to prevent something that could potentially hurt us. Yet  the fear that we engulf ourselves in through distrust is doing nothing BUT hurting us. Causing us to feel unsafe which is what we are trying to prevent all along. Distrusting can cause destruction because we are holding on too tight. It closes the door for any other possibility. Trusting on the other hand allows us to let go, and relax. It opens the door for multiple possibilities and better solutions.

Do we remember what gets us to the place of distrusting in the first place? [it’s okay, you can scroll back up if you need to check]. Yes! It’s FEAR. Have you ever really thought about what TRUST entails though? Trusting is like gambling in a way. Even when we think we have 100% chance of winning, do we ever really? Do we ever really know EXACTLY what’s going to happen? Can we control EVERY outside factor to make sure it plays in our favor only? The answer to all three of those question is…. you guessed it, NO! Outside factors in the one thing we DO NOT have control over. We do not have control over other people, places, or things, therefor as much as we would like to predict what the future will bring, we never know that something is going to happen until it happens.

Even if we can predict that something has a 99.9% chance of happening, we still have to save room for that slim chance that it won’t happen the way we think, if at all. It’s that 0.1% chance that will still be attached to fear. But that’s what trusting is. It’s knowing that something MAY not work out in the way we would like it to, but betting on it anyways. Trust takes courage, especially if in the past we may have lost a time or two.

“Whether we are aware of it or not, every act of trust carries with it a shiver of fear. A favorable situation can become dangerous. Deep down we know that life is insecure and precarious. However, if we do trust, the shiver carries with it a philosophical optimism: Life, with all its traps and horrors,  is good… The bet is implicit in trust itself. If we could be sure of everyone and everything, trust would have no value – like money, if it were suddenly limitless, or sunshine, if there were always fine weather, or life, if we were to live forever”
– Piero Ferrucci (The Power Of Kindness)

When you are someone that has a difficult time placing trust in the future, then the second you feel that shiver of fear, you’re alarm goes off telling you that something is wrong. The distrusting begins producing nothing but MORE fear. Remember though, Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Unless it’s a life threatening situation (which is not the situations we are talking about here), it does nothing but hold our energy and our action hostage.

So what’s the alternative then? How can you choose to trust instead? When we surrender to the idea that we can’t control everything. Through this surrendering, we come to the conclusion that we are MORE than capable of handling all that life brings our way. When we allow ourselves to acknowledge that trust will ALWAYS carry a little bit of fear, we can become more aware of when we are actively choosing to be in a place of trusting. This can allow us to reroute our alarm system. This time when you witness that shiver of fear arise, instead of the fear multiplying, it is now giving you knowledge that you ARE in a place of trusting and accepting that this ounce of fear just comes with the job. You will be aware that you are trusting because you CHOOSE to trust, and if the worst case scenario happens to take place, we can continue to trust that it’s for our highest good and continue moving forward.

We have the choice to trust or distrust. While we are in a place of distrust, it’s like we are constantly waiting for the bomb to drop. A bomb that may NEVER drop. We spend our time and energy trying to prevent the bomb from dropping. The thing is, if the bomb is meant to drop, it will drop, and you have no more control over it then you do of gravity. So instead of worrying so much about what COULD happen in the future, why not just enjoy your present. And if the bomb ends up dropping, you deal with it then and at least you enjoyed the ride to that point…then you get on another ride. If it never drops, then you continue enjoying that ride wherever it takes you. What’s the point of the ride if you can’t enjoy it? What’s the point of life, if you don’t live?

“In trusting, we let ourselves go. We know that all kinds of unexpected events may come our way. Our tension eases, our mind and our hearts open spontaneously to be possibilities. It is an ever new state of mind, in the present moment, because we have detached from all we know. But it is also a feeling as old as can be, because, before all betrayals and all disappointments, there was a time in which trusting another was the very substance of our life.” – Piero Ferrucci.

Do you have the courage to place the bet?

xoxo,

How Are You Buying Into The Illusion?

island-beautiful-boat-courttio-Favim.com-573018Hey you,

It’s been a long time since we’ve spoken. I apologize for that. My year 2 has started for school and booooooooy is it gonna be a full year. Fulfilling as well. My blog here has been put on the back-burner for the most part, but as always, I will continue to express as and when I can.

Something I want to discuss today is the idea of the comfort zone and what stepping outside of it means.

This year in class we are being pushed to excellence and although it’s going to be a very exciting journey, it also is very scary. It’s scary because in order to reach excellence, it calls for us to step outside of our comfort zone. It calls for us to grow beyond where we stand right now. It calls for us to step into this space that can be very uncomfortable to say the least. It calls for us to deal with ALLLLLL the reasons we aren’t there right now.

The space between the comfort zone and excellence is that space of uncomfortableness. A space we can refer to as the Divine Unknowing. In order to reach excellence, we have to willingly choose to navigate the path of the unknown. The one thing about that is, when we begin to navigate that path there is a natural inclination to want to move back into the comfort zone. We often let fear get the best of us and we move back into what we feel is safe, secure, and what is already known.

If you are ok with your life as it is right now, wonderful…stay in your comfort zone. But if you want to live the life of your dreams, learn and grow, become the best you can be, experience true freedom, and rise to excellence as you are here to do, then it calls that you take a risk. It means that you must choose to be uncomfortable. Yes I said it, you have to CHOOSE to be uncomfortable. You must get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 

What are your dreams? Are you still looking for that dream job, that dream mate, that dream place to call home? What stops you from going for it? I’ve had a lot of talks the last few days that have to do with being in this place of fear. I like to call it “What If” Island.

Imagine you just landed on this mysterious Island in which you didn’t know anything about. You weren’t sure what kind of animals lived there, if there were other people, the weather, what food to eat. How do you go about navigating this Island?

Well most of us suffer from the “What Ifs”. Hence I said SUFFER. What if there are scary animals that will eat me? What if the people don’t like me? What if I can’t find anything to eat?

Now let’s move these What Ifs off the Island and into your real life. What if I make this move and then something else comes along? What if I don’t like it? What if he doesn’t want to date me? What if I run out of money? What if I don’t get this job? What if they like someone else better? What if I don’t have enough experience? What if they say no? What if I’m not good enough?

We can sit there and list a MILLION reasons as to why something MIGHT not work out for us. A BILLION reasons. I have a few questions though. What If the animals are friendly? What if the people do like you? What if you do like it? What if he does want to date you? What if you make even more money? What if you do get this job? What if you get the life you’ve always dreamed of? What if that island is filled with the most loving, accepting, fun people, with the most beautiful wildlife, and most amazing food?Why is it so hard to think about how GREAT your life can be?

What is the number one reason people like to stay in the comfort zone?

Yes, you guessed it…. CONTROL. We like to feel like we have some control over our lives and our surroundings. But guess what. Control is just an illusion of the ego. Think about it. Do you ever REALLY have control? You could walk outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow. Do you control that? You walk around every single day not really knowing what’s going to happen next. You don’t have any more control in your comfort zone than you do outside of it. Yet guess what. You THINK you do. You buy into the illusion. And because of that you feel safe, and secure, and a knowing. And because of that, you try hard to control the next steps, you try hard to know the answers, you try hard to make SURE you know the results. Because of that, you stay in the same life with nothing really changing and never really growing. Because of that, you suffer. Your life suffers.

Remember you must CHOOSE to live the life of your dreams. You must CHOOSE to step outside your comfort zone. You must CHOOSE to reside in the Divine Unknowing. It’s in your choice, where most of the growth comes from. On your way to Excellence, you must risk not knowing. Simple as that. Not only must you risk it, you must be ok with not knowing. Hell, you need to LOVE not knowing.

Maybe some things you are worried about are correct. Maybe he wont like you. Maybe you won’t get that job. Maybe they will say no. The question is, what is the meaning you are putting to it all? What are you choosing to believe about the outcome? How are you letting it stop you? The thing you always have to remember is that no matter WHAT happens… you will be ok. If you believe the Universe is on your side, you will be better than ok. You know why? Because you will have had the opportunity for growth and learning, from taking the risk in the first place. And if you believe the Universe is on your side, when you get a NO, then you know that it only means something better is waiting for you. You have to risk it regardless of the possible outcome.

When you can become ok with the outcome, whatever it may be… You will be supported. It just may not always be in the way you expect. When you can let go of YOUR way and open up for A way to show up, it is then you experience TRUE freedom! It is then you can relax in the bliss of knowing the Universe is on your side. You are MEANT to reach excellence. That is what you are here for.

The cool thing about stepping outside your comfort zone is, as that as you start getting comfortable in the Divine Unknowing, your comfort level will rise. That new space will then become your new comfort zone and you will once again have a new chance to choose to go even higher than before. There is no cap for your excellence.

As we reach the edges of our comfort zone, we get scared. It’s natural. But instead of letting that fear stop you…. how are you gonna use it to move forward? What new job and meaning can you give it?

Are you tired of suffering? Are you ready to reach excellence?

It’s funny that most of us dream about Islands for get-a-ways…we seek pictures of Islands as comfort… what if that’s just your soul’s way of calling you to step into the unknown.

You deserve the life of your dreams. GO FOR IT!

xoxo,

barista

 

How Can Love Be The Solution When It’s The Problem?

Lately I find myself talking about Love a lot. Ok fine, always!! Love is all we need right? The one thing that took me some time to realize was my misconceptions about what Love is.

I think most people think that Love is an emotion or a feeling. A Noun. Something we can find, have, or keep. I used to. “He loves me because _______” or even better “He doesn’t love me because _______”. We narrow love down to an “it”. Yet “it” can mean something different to everyone.

What I am continuing to come to realize is that the  more experience I have with Love and the more I understand Love, the more exact Love becomes yet the indescribable and undefinable all the same.

One thing I do know for sure now is that Love is and ALWAYS will be Love. There is only ONE Love. Love is NOT different depending on the person. It all comes from one place. Your heart, your soul, your existence. Love knows no boundaries, no comparisons, no conditions, no separation. Although Love knows many expressions, it is all the same Love.

Love is the ONLY thing that is real. Everything else is an illusion. Love is always available, even when we think it’s long gone. When all you can see is pain, Love will sit there patiently waiting for you to return and welcome you with open arms when you do.

“Love always loves you, even when you can’t or won’t love yourself.” – Robert Holden

The second thing I know for sure is that LOVE DOES NOT HURT, even when you undoubtedly think it does. That is probably the biggest misconception of them all. That loving in the first place is the problem.

If Love hurt, how could it be Love? Love is nothing but itself. Is and ALWAYS will be. If Love does not hurt, then what does? That’s easy. Fear does! But don’t get it twisted… fear may seem like an enemy to love but in reality fear is there to show you where love needs to be. Love sees no enemy, it ONLY sees Love. So where is the Love in fear?

In Robert Holden’s Book, Loveability, he discusses the obsession with “falling in love”. He goes on to tell a story about his five-year old daughter and a boy she liked from school. He mentions that it would be wonderful if “children were introduced to their own eternal loveliness before they started obsessing about falling in love”.

He states that:

“The early obsession with falling love is a sign that we have already started to doubt our own Loveability. By falling in love with someone, we hope we will remember how loveable we are. We hope someone will catch our fall, in the fall from grace, and thereby save us from the basic fear that ‘I am not loveable’. Much of the desire to fall in love is about being loved rather than being loving.”

He then goes on to quote  J. Krishnamurti.  “You want to be loved because you do not love; but the moment you love, it is finished, you are no longer inquiring whether or not somebody loves you”.

love-vs-fear

image from: word from the well

One concept that I am exceptionally fond of, is the concept that we have two basic choices in life. A choice between Love and fear. Although expressed in thousands of ways, there is only one love and there is only one fear. “Love is the mind of the real Self, and fear is the mind of your self-image or ego.”  We are constantly choosing between Love and Fear. Worthy and unworthy. Loveable and Unloveable. Whichever you choose to identify with, is the one that you give power. If Love is the only thing that is real, then the idea that you can be unloveable is not real. LOVE IS YOUR EXISTENCE. If your source were not that of Love, you would not be here.

The fear that you are unloveable is the extension to all other fears. It’s the fear the hurts. Not Love. Love is what heals!

In Holden’s chapter “Love and Fear” he states that:

“Love brings up everything unlike itself for the purpose of healing. Love and fear have the opposite effect on you. The principle effect of fear is that it prevents you from seeing where love is present, whereas love helps you to see where you are afraid. Love makes you conscious. It switches a light on in your mind. This light brings everything into view… Love does not judge, so nothing is hidden. Love does not condemn, so there is no deception. Love does not censure, so all is revealed. Love exposes the fears you identify with, the secret shame you haven’t forgiven, the old wounds not yet released, and every other unloving thought that blocks the awareness of love’s prescence… Love shows you what you think of yourself and also how you relate to yourself. Love and fear cannot co-exist…Love brings fear into full view so that you can see if there is a message for you, a lesson for you, or even a gift for you. This is how Love heals fear. This is how love helps you to be fully present, undefended, and open to your life. Love brings up everything unlike itself so that you can let go of fear and be the loving person that you are.”

Love is the energy that runs ALL things. Underneath anger is Love. Underneath sadness is love. Underneath control is Love. Underneath judgement is love. If Love did not exist there, we simply would not care. Love is never really the problem though… Love is the solution that lies UNDER the problem. Love is who you ARE! .The problem is simply not knowing your own Loveability.

So when you find yourself angry, sad, controlling, or judgmental…. ask yourself where you need healing and just apply a little love. Remember you are loveable. Remember your existence. Turn off the fear and Turn on the LOVE! Your wound will begin to heal.

What are some ways you choose love when fear is present? Leave a comment, you may just help someone out.

xoxo,

barista

Your Child Doesn’t Need To Earn Your Trust

picture from withacuppacoffee wordpress

picture from withacuppacoffee wordpress

As you may know, I am reading The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. I think this book is absolutely amazing and I think every parent or person wanting to be a parent can benefit from the perspective that it brings to the table. Honestly, I think even if you never want to be a parent, this book can translate to your other relationships just as well.

Our children are a mirror of the child in us, and if we are wise, we will use that mirror as a tool to “grow ourselves up” so that in turn we can make sure our children are growing up as well without the projections of our own feelings and unresolved childhood. Our children are people too!

Because our children start off so small and dependent on us, I think it can be challenging to realize that they are their own spirit with their own purpose and lessons in life, and because of this we can unknowingly hinder their true nature and spirit from really shining due to our lack of consciousness and the weight we put on our own ego.

I want to share one a section of The Conscious Parent, mainly because I feel that TRUST, in general, plays a huge role in our ability to truly express our own true essence, in turn our children’s ability to express theirs. If we want our children to really grow up, it starts with us. I think this section of the book can relate to children or any other relationship in your life whether you are a parent or not. If anything, you can see the type of projections your parents may have projected onto you and how you may be living those out in other areas of your life. Do you project a natural trust and confidence or distrust and anxiety of life?

“Because few of us really trust the wisdom of life, people tend to project their lack of trust onto their children. Consequently, our society believes that trust has to be earned.

I believe that not only do our children not need to earn our trust, but they need to know that we trust them implicitly, because we see them as fundamentally trustworthy. Just by their presence, our children have earned the right to be trusted. To ask them to earn our trust reflects an insecure, power-hungry attitude that’s charged with both fear and ego.

To have implicit trust in our children requires that, as parents, we display a basic reverence for and trust in life. The degree to which our children feel trusted by us reflects the trust or lack of trust we ourselves have. When we come from the mindset that all of life is wise, and therefore all its manifestations good, we see our children this way. We frame all mistakes as emerging out of a pure place. If this is so, where is there room not to trust our children? On the other hand, if we are anxious and doubt our ability to transform life’s struggles into spiritual gold, no matter how we assure our children that all will be fine, we unconsciously transmit the opposite message.

As parents, we communicate trust or distrust in the subtlest ways. The questions we ask our children, the lectures we give them, and the unsolicited advice we dish out all convey trust or distrust. For instance, when we repeatedly ask our children how they are doing, believing they must be going through something, or other, we unwittingly communicating our own anxiety and hence our mistrust of life. By constantly checking on our children, hovering over them, or needing to know everything about their world ,we communicate a sense of uncertainty which undermines their basic trust in themselves. The less we check in on them in an anxious manner, the more we communicate the message that we don’t need to check in with them all the time because we know they are fully capable of taking care of themselves and will ask for help when they need it.

When we make decisions for our children without giving them the chance to chart their own course, we communicate to them our own powerfulness and their helplessness., which fosters a distrust of themselves. If, instead, we solicit their ideas and show respect for these ideas, even if we can’t always incorporate them into our plans, we communicate a deep reverence for their ability to contribute to the discussion at hand. Our children sense when we have a true deep respect for their opinions and choices. It’s vital we recognize that, though they may only be little, they have a valid opinion that we respect and always take it into consideration. As our children see that their presence is both meaningful and important to us, they learn to trust their inner voice.

We promote trust when we encourage our children to speak up and be heard. They learn to trust themselves as we tell them ‘I admire the way you put your thoughts together,’ and assure them ‘I trust you to do the right thing’. Should they happen to make an unwise choice, we don’t allow this to cause us to indicate a lack of trust in them, but simply tell them in a matter of fact manner, ‘You made this decision and now you are learning from it.’ Lack of trust doesn’t enter the equation.

I assure my daughter, ‘You will always be okay, no matter what circumstances you find yourself in, because this is the sort of person you are’. Above all, I communicate a trust in life’s ability to take care of us spiritually. Once we look at life as an incubator of consciousness, what is there not to trust?

When our children sense our respect for their ability to lead the way, this empowers them beyond measure. As they learn they are worthy of holding trust, this will come to mean the world to them. They will naturally rise to our trust in them.”

in what ways was trust or distrust projected onto you by your parents? Do you find yourself comfortable with life’s situations or do you find that you are anxious about things? How are you projecting that onto your children? In what ways can you be more trusting in your own life?

Leave your comments in the comments section and SHARE this with anyone you think might like. I hope u found this insightful in some way

xoxo,

barista

I Got In, I Got In!

Screenshot_2013-09-25-17-56-15 (1)

SoOoOoOooo I Got In!!! Found out on Tuesday (yes, it’s taken me this long to share) that my application to the University Of Santa Monica application was accepted. I am on my way towards getting my Masters in Spiritual Psychology. Woooohoooo! Well guess what… as happy as I am, I still feel scared.

“I haven’t been to school for so long”, “Am I sure I’m gonna be able to pay for this?”, “Will I really be able to finish the two, maybe three, years?”, “How will I make it through the long weekends?”, “Maybe I’m putting too much on my plate?”, “School starts NEXT WEEK….am I ready?”

Ya know what, I DUNNO!! some of those questions, I’m just not sure of the answer. The thing I have come to discover over the last few days though is I have a choice. I can choose to let the fear of the unknown deter me away from my path (like I have done many a time in the past) OR I can use the fear of unknown to give me the strength and faith needed to continue forward. It’s like that saying that I love (that I might butcher), “Imagine driving in a car somewhere at night…with your headlights, as long as you continue to move forward, you only need to see a little in front of you at a time to eventually reach your destination”. That’s how this feels. With only little light leading my way, little by little I’m continuing to move forward along this path of my dreams.

The journey of USM started with me checking it out online and noticing there was an informational meeting that very same week. Being that, to get to this meeting meant I had to travel down the 405 (traffic nightmare) right after work at 6pm AND find a babysitter from 6-10pm on a Wednesday so my fiance could come with me, some people may have skipped the meeting. Not having a clue what to expect, I took a step forward. After the meeting I was excited but nervous about the financial aspect as that’s the thing that worries most people about situations like these. Wondering if I was moving too fast, what if I wasn’t looking at all my options. It took 3 months, but I did what I needed to do to apply. Scared about if I could handle it, yet another step forward. Now here I am filling out my enrollment forms after being accepted, still scared “what the hell is going on?” but STILL another step forward. I expect many more moments to come along like this, that leave me with the choice to stop or take another step forward and I’m coming to slowly learn that as long as I KEEP MOVING FORWARD, my goals will be met.

I’m finally coming to know what FEEL THE FEAR, AND DO IT ANYWAYS is all about. I posted this quote on my Facebook page a couple of weeks ago when I was finishing up my application, and it’s the thing I now start to think about when I get scared. It’s slowly becoming my motto for creating an exceptional life. I have felt the fear in other ways and areas of my life and continued along with stuff, this isn’t my first shebang, but I always felt like when it came to my career goals/dreams, when I got too scared I would give up. Whenever I felt a tad discouraged I would run away. SO this just feel like a BIG step for me to actually get something big started that I know I will follow through with, coming out a new and improved version of myself.

I have a lot of fears but I know once my first day comes, they will start to subside. Underneath it all I feel really good about everything going on in my life and the lives around me. I have learned a lot of things over the years, read a lot of books, given a lot of advice, had plenty of conversations and motivational talks with others to help them get through their fears, but through all that I’ve always been scared to trust my OWN heart. I knew there was a big part of me that hasn’t been walking my talk. And now I feel like I’m getting a taste of what that feels like.

Literally two seconds ago, I just text my friend with “Your head is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo filling your thoughts with fear, your heart knows the truth and just wishes you would trust it”. Stuff like that comes out of my mouth constantly to other people ALLLL the time but its a whole other story to feel and trust that myself. That’s all our soul wants from us, is to trust OURSELVES over the fears that are constantly being strung through our brain at lightening speed a million times all day. You get an intuition about something and almost immediately following are the thousand of fears challenging that intuition. The key is to listen to that intuitive thought.

When you start to trust  your heart and notice that it knows its shit, it can get addicting. You realize that it was right all along, even if at first it can be the scariest decision you make, and you’ll want to keep doing it. It takes many times of choosing your fears first and learning the lessons that go with them, but with practice you become stronger and less afraid. The goal is to eventually listen to ONLY my heart and tell my fearful thoughts to “suck it” (in the kindest way possible of course).

It’s funny because the one thing that got me to actually turn in my application was listening to one of my friends talk about how she had just registered for a certification class she was interested in so she could get her dream job. It motivated me because I remember her discovering what it was she wanted to do and within a few weeks she was making moves and putting down money. She was scared too but she was doing it anyways. I was just sitting there thinking “Here I am taking three months, scaring myself further away from my dream while she is just going for it”. The next day I started completing my application. I told her this the other day when I got accepted that her moves had motivated me and the ironic thing is, she told me I was the one that motivated HER. I told her if she moved forward and did it, MAGIC would happen. Well who knew, that magic would be for both of us.

Listen to your heart and MAGIC does happen. I believe that and now is time to start following through. Has there been a time where you have decided to listen to your heart over your head? I would love to know how that worked out for you. Share below!

Vulnerability leads to connection. Connections allows us to see we aren’t alone. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your thoughts or story in the comments section below so that you can open the opportunity for a connection with someone else

xoxo,

barista

PS: People have been asking me “What is Spiritual Psychology?”. Below is a video from the EXACT informational meeting I attended explaining what Spiritual Psychology is and what USM is all about. You’ll see why I am so excited to go. PPS: This school isn’t for those only interested in Psychology, as Im not trying to become a Psychologist, many different people attend that have many different backgrounds and careers, 1/3 of the students even travel from all over to attend the one weekend a month. So you may be interested and maybe I’ll even see you there next year 🙂 xoxo

Are You Suffocating Your Flame?

One day a couple of months ago I started thinking about the possibility of going back to school. I have been interested in going back for a couple of years now but had wandered from niche to niche trying to discover what I was most passionate about. I received my Bachelor’s in Psychology back in 2006 and have not really done anything with it since.

After graduating I decided I wanted to take a year from school and just live and enjoy myself without any added pressure for once in my life. I swore I was not going to be one of those people who said they were going to take a year and never come back… I felt really determined that going back to school was my goal and I was going to return. Well a year has turned into 7 years.

After years and years of entering job after job, starting but never finishing venture after venture, I have come to discover that I have been subconsciously scared of my success. Sounds kinda silly huh? But it’s actually quite common for many people.  Especially the closer you get to achieving your goals. Most people can relate to feeling scared of failure but I believe the two definitely go hand in hand. As much as some of us are afraid of not being good enough, we can also be afraid to shine our light bright. But why?

We feel we don’t deserve it. We are scared of change. We feel guilty because others around us aren’t achieving. We feel like once we reach success, we don’t be able to sustain it. We want to avoid being seen as show-offs or conceited. There is fear that others will envy or hate us, which in turn will leave us lonely and unloved. . The thing is, we witness things like envy and hate on others everyday, sometimes we’re even the ones judging. 

I know that change creates more change and I worry that if I change, the relationships around me can’t help but change as well. The fear comes from not knowing how and this fear creates a sort of suffering. The thing is I feel like once we have experienced growth and witnessed miracles, we create more suffering by NOT changing. The light is lit inside but we spend so much energy covering it or hiding it, afraid that it’ll be put out, that we are doing nothing but suffocating it, stealing the oxygen it needs to grow, in return slowly putting it out ourselves.  

As with everything, there is always a pay-off we are receiving that keeps us continuing the path we do, even if they act is a bad one. What is my pay-off for remaining powerless? “At least I can control the situation more” “I can’t lose if I don’t try” “No worry about obtaining success and not knowing what to do with it” “I can save my money instead of risk losing it” “My relationships with people can stay the same” and one of the biggest pay-offs being, “I am comfortable and don’t have to feel vulnerable”.

Once you identify your fears, you can start to work through them and surrender to the outcome.  I looked into the University of Santa Monica back in June of this year. I attended an introduction into their program of Spiritual Psychology. I had never been so amazed in my life that a program like theirs exists. It was RIGHT up my alley. Everything I believe in, work towards, want to achieve,..all taught and mastered through their Masters Program. And what?? I can get a Masters too?!?!? Sounded so good to be true. I immediately knew that it was something I had to go through with. I have never felt so alive and motivated upon leaving that meeting. I just KNEW that school was for me. I even was mad I had not found or heard of it sooner. (BUT I also know if I had, I wouldn’t have been in the place I am in now to appreciate it).

I came home and couldn’t stop smiling, knowing that I had discovered my next step.  Hmmmm, now to take it. THAT was the challenge. I started my registration form and then all the fears come creeping into my head. “How am I going to pay for this?” “What if I can’t get three letters of recommendation?” “Will I be able to do this, work, get married, have more kids, and maintain the home at the same time?” “What if I don’t get in?” “What if I commit and then can’t continue” “Is this really reasonable?” I’ll admit some of those fears were powered by fear of failure, but because of how powerful I felt in my heart about this program, I realized more of it was coming out of my fear of actually coming to a successful place along my path.

I have had a lot of ideas over the years, started a lot of ventures of my own, but never fully following through with any of them. Over the last 3 months I saw this going down the same road.  Having been immersed in the things I love and continuing to grow over the years, witness the miracles that happen to others that are conquering their fears, even being a huge part of that very process in others lives. I have become nothing but more and more passionate about what I want to be doing with my life. I KNOW that I don’t want to settle. And I have come to truly believe that once you know this TRUTH, there is no looking back. There is no giving up. There is no backing down. As much as you try to cover that light, your passion becomes its gasoline and if you don’t move your hands, it will burn you eventually, forcing you to get out of your own way, until it can do nothing less than SHINE the way it’s meant to.

Classes start in the beginning of October. “Maybe next year will work out better” “Next year will only come with different excuses”. The fears that were stopping me from moving forwards were slowly becoming trumped by my fears of how I will feel if I don’t move forward. I came to an epiphany that the ONLY thing in my way was myself. It wasn’t money, it wasn’t support, it wasn’t time. It was just me and my limiting thoughts. And I CONTROL that. FEAR isn’t real. Grasping that thought is one of the most powerful realizations one can have. I have seen over and over miracles happen through the faith of letting go and surrendering. Why would it be different with me in this instance? How will I know if I don’t try? I believe things will work out exactly how they are supposed to. If anything, I needed this space to realize how powerful I truly am. I’ll take it!

This week I am finishing up with the application process. I got my transcripts sent, 2 of 3 letters of recommendations sent so far, finishing up my essay, and paying for my deposit. I felt the fear and I’m doing it anyway. The pure intentions are there, the flame of passion is burning, now all I have to do is SHOW UP!  This is it!!!! This is the moment, yet again, where changes will take place and life will open up. IM READY!!!

I leave you with a favorite quote:

 MarianneWilliamsom-Quote

Are you suffocating your light? What can you do to let it shine today?

Vulnerability leads to connection. Connections allows us to see we aren’t alone. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and share your thoughts or story in the comments section below so that you can open the opportunity for a connection with someone else

xoxo,

barista