My Truth: I Yell and Fight In Front Of My Kids

how_to_fight_in_front_of_kids

pic from idiva.com

I am a mother that yells at the father of her children when we argue…. in front of our children! I feel like I’m at an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, but for people that can’t control their anger, and I needed to make that confession for the world to know. I feared writing that sentence because I think about how J will feel about me sharing this piece of our relationship, but I’m here to be more raw and transparent, so it is what it is I guess.

I remember one situation when I was really young, maybe around 3 or 4 ish, watching my parents arguing and screaming at each other and me sitting on the couch crying and screaming at them just hoping they would stop. Now here I am doing the same thing in front of my kids and I just don’t know how to stop.

My son cried Saturday because when mommy and daddy yell at each other and are mean to each other, it scares him. My heart beats deep because for the last few years, if there were one thing I would change over anything else in the world, it would be this.

I remember when I found out I was having a boy over 6 years ago, the one thing I thought about was how I have this chance to raise a wonderful, caring, sensitive, compassionate, kind, and loving man. I have the chance to raise a MAN! And although I know he is going to be all of those things, I fear that he will get into a relationship and him and his future partner will be yelling at each other in front of their kids and he’ll remember when his mommy and daddy used to do that too.

I notice how this has been a cycle for me. During a point in life, my relationship with my mother shifted and I spent a majority of my teenage and young adult years constantly yelling and arguing with my mother. Maybe that’s just how it is with teenagers but I knew, even back then, that I always wanted things to be different.

My last two serious relationships, this one included, consisted of yelling and screaming at each other during disagreements pretty often. I feel like for the last 15 years of my life, during the time where I have been growing a lot mentally, I have been consistently involved in arguments that include yelling and screaming and sometimes berating each other. It’s what I’ve learned about communication when it comes to disagreements. I’ve learned to defend myself by raising my voice. Before, it was just something I did and how things were. Now, it is something I want to change and learn how to stop.

The crazy thing is, I am not this way in my other relationships at all. At least not to this level. Just sometimes with my mother and most of the times with my boyfriend. The people that are the closest to me of course. I have actually gotten a lot better with my mother over the years but it could be a result of not living in her house anymore.

Because I have been in these relationships where both parties are mutually defensive during arguments to the point of yelling and screaming, I know that if I want to change, I have to teach myself. When I get into arguments like this, it’s with people who reflect the same attitude. I really believe I keep attracting this for the sake of learning the lesson. The time is now!

Over the past few years, my reaction afterwards would always be to run. I always wanted to just leave the relationship because I couldn’t handle fighting this way anymore in front of my son. When I was pregnant I even gave back my engagement ring because I just couldn’t do it anymore (although I do think I was ultra hormonal at the time). Now, especially more lately, I have been trying so hard to use these situations as teachers. To show me what I need to work on. To bring up the places that need healing. I have been trying so hard to control myself. To let down the defense. To be the one that stays calm. To communicate in an open and loving manner. To share when I am feeling unsafe. And for the last two months I have had great effects when approaching situations in that manner. But then once again, the defense strikes full force.

There’s something underneath there that is unresolved and unhealed and I need to figure out how to deal with it…. fast! Having two sons now, this is not what I want them to see and grow up with. It already kills my heart knowing my oldest is already six and seeing it effect him more and more each time. I don’t want him thinking this is the way we should handle our anger or disagreements.

Already I see him get really frustrated and yell and scream at us when he’s mad. I’ve seen some real anger in his face. Telling him that yelling and screaming when he’s mad is not a good way to release his emotions becomes hard when that’s what he’s learning from mommy and daddy. So it’s really up to us to start demonstrating that things should and can be different. I want to stop the cycle. I want to show him more about what LOVE is and how LOVE works.

I know parents have disagreements and they argue and it’s normal for your kids to see that sometimes. And I know that it’s healthy for kids to see you make up and love each other afterwards. But I don’t want to yell and scream and berate anymore. I don’t. I want to show my kids how to handle our emotions effectively. Especially the negative ones. It’s especially healthy to show them LOVING actions versus FiGHTING actions. Because if I have learned anything it’s that fighting just creates more fighting. How parents handle conflict becomes the teacher for how kids will handle conflict.

I remember my cousin telling me last year…. “All kids need to see is that their parents Love and Respect each other… even if they’re not together”.That’s what I want to show our kids. The one thing I don’t want, is them to relate love to unhappiness and hurt. I know sometimes they see love, but because of the frequency in arguments and our inability to express disagreements in other ways, it worries me what their really picking up. Truthfully sometimes I don’t know which way our relationship will go but either way we still need to learn how to love and respect each other, so we need to do that now.

I know there are things I can do to start creating change, so instead of going to a place of habit of wanting to run away and being down on myself, I can focus on what I do know and what I can do. Being that I am in school learning all these awesome tips and skills for loving myself and others, I do have a huge responsibility to be a teacher by my actions.

Although when it happens, I can feel really hopeless and scared, I am still working on self compassionate forgiveness and trying not to judge myself. I know, how I relate to the issue plays the biggest role in what the issue really is.

In these last few days I can really see that how I feel about the situation and myself reflects the size of my faith in God. I want to release the power I give this and let it go to God. I want to be open enough to receive the guidance that I can receive from my higher power. Maybe that means falling to my knees and really surrendering my ego.

I want to learn how to slow down. We don’t give ourselves enough space to breathe and think and that lack of space creates reacting to fast which is the cause of yelling and defending and feeling I have no control over what’s happening. If I can learn to give myself more space between what is happening and reacting, I will be in a better place to choice a better route. Slowing down in other areas can probably influence here too

I can also have open honest talks with our son and see how he feeling. Comfort him and love him. Talk to him about how mommy and daddy are still learning because we weren’t taught. Express the truth and understanding his perception. Letting him know we want to change and showing him its possible. I remember my counselor asking me a while ago “What do you wish would have happened to make you feel better when that was happening with your parents?” and I said “I wish someone would have talked to me and comforted me and helped make me feel better“. I need to do that with my son and I need to do that with the little girl inside of me too.

I’m working on it! and it’s HARD! but I know I can do this. Just send me some light and love please. I need  it!

This was a really hard post for me to write and put out there. Admitting the problem is the first step to change. If you are or have gone through this, please let me know how you are handling in the comments below…

 

xoxo,

barista

 

Advertisements

How To Free Up Your Energy and Enjoy The Present.

Do you sometimes find yourself wondering where all your energy has gone? A couple of months ago I found myself in that place and had no idea why I had been so tired and drained. I thought maybe something was wrong with my health, so I went to the doctors and they took a bunch of blood test, (when I say a bunch, think about 20 viles worth) and like I feared, besides being a bit low on vitamin D, everything seemed fine. I say feared because it’s like I wanted to see if there was SOMETHING wrong so I could then have an answer as to why I was feeling the way I did. When everything came back fine, then I was back at square one not knowing the answer or how to reach a solution.

I know there are many things that could affect our energy, such as our diet, or simply maybe we’re just doing too much. Sometimes it can even be more obvious than that though. What about just the things we SAID we would do but never get around to. How does that take a toll on our energy levels? Do you have those books you bought that you keep meaning to read but don’t seem to find the time? What about cleaning the garage like you said you would a few months ago? Maybe just buying that plant for your living room that you keep forgetting about?

Living in the world we live in now, where we have so much stimuli going on around us and busy seems to mean we’re important, we get into the habit of over committing or putting too much on our plate. Doing too much at the same time or in each day. Since when did busy mean better?

SpinningPlates

Some people juggle getting kids ready for school, working a full shift, running a few errands, making time for the gym, taking kids to practice, making dinner for the family, catching up on a side business when everyone is asleep, and finally getting to bed, all in one days work just to wake up and do it all over again tomorrow. Then the weekend comes where it would seem to be rest time, and here comes birthday parties, and taking kids to sports or activities, tending to the backyard and cleaning the house, doing laundry, etc. and before you know it, it’s back to Monday. Oh Monday! If this is you, I could imagine how you are tired and where your energy is going. Look at all those areas where your energy is being expended.

Now add on top of that, remembering all those unread books, or that dirty garage, or that corner of the room with the missing the plant. All those internal commitments use energy too and although is seems like it can’t be taking too much energy, it may be taking more energy then some of the things you are actually doing. So even those of you that don’t have a “busy” day like the one I played through above, you still could find yourself lacking energy because it’s geared towards all the unfulfilled commitments you have yet to do. Every time we say we are going to do something and we do not get around to it, that is good energy that we are just mortgaging, unable to use elsewhere.

To get a clear picture of this, I want you to make two lists. One of your current scene, that lists all the things/activites you have going on in which you are physically extending energy to. You can get detailed or just straight forward

example of some things on my list (very straight forward)
*Relationship
*Child
*Job
*Photography
*School
*Son’s Sports
*Reading books for school
*Homework
*Blog
*Planning a party
*Hanging out with friends
*An argument with a family member

you get the point. Any and everything that your energy is currently going to.

Now, make a second list of all those things you said you would do but never seem to get around to it. When I say you never get around to it, I mean not even a little bit. Meaning you can put the gym down if you really never get to the gym, but don’t put it on the list if you only go 2 times a week instead of the 4 times that you want. That’s something that can go on the above list. Make sense? So stuff like, cleaning out your closet, throwing away old papers, etc.

Examples of stuff on my list:
*Books I’ve been meaning to read
*Organizing stuff in the garage
*Cleaning out old toys and giving them away
*Taking the toys from Tyson’s birthday (back in April) to Children’s Hospital
*Juicing again in the morning
*Buy new plants for the backyard
*Buy new bedsheets/comforter for my bed
*Editing pictures from a free photoshoot I did for a family member.
*Helping my son practice how to ride his bike without training wheels.
*Cleaning the trunk of my car

That’s already a lot of stuff and I had way more on the list. But do you get the point? There’s all this energy that is physically being used day to day and then a bunch of energy being used just thinking about all the things you committed to doing but haven’t done yet. NO WONDER WE’RE SO TIRED!!! We’re spinning 100 plates on sticks all while only being able to give each one a fraction of our attention at a time. Not only is that energy drained, but half ass work getting done. Plates will eventually start to fall and now you’ve just added mess to clean up to your To-Do list.  

So how do we clean this up? How do we get our energy back? Well for starters, let’s work on actually completing some of the things on list #2. How about we just remove some plates. Maybe seems a little crazy to basically add on to list #1 BUT most likely the things on list #2 are things that once complete, it’s complete. It’s not ongoing like a relationship or job would be. So why not make all that mortgaged energy useful and then available for your everyday life. All those things you need to do in the future, let em go. You just took some plates off, relax! Remember the goal is to stay present and not drain ourselves by the shoulda/woulda/couldas. Then we can work on completing some of the stuff on our first list leaving us not only more energy but more time to just enjoy what is.

To start this process right now, I want you to write one more list. Make a list of things you know you can ABSOLUTELY without a doubt complete this month. We want to take baby steps here to avoid not over committing again. Not only will fulfilling these commitments free up your energy but it will always make you FEEL good for following through with what you said you were going to do. If it’s only one or two things that is totally fine. I want you to win!! If it’s reading a book you haven’t gotten to, something as simple as skimming through the entire book in a few minutes can be helpful. If going to the gym is on your list, just getting there, swiping your card and leaving could make a difference.

Some things on my list I will complete in the next month:
*Go outside with Tyson at least once so he can ride his bike
*Buy new plants for the backyard
*Workout at least 5 times
*Sign up for Oprah and Deepak meditation series.
*Make a blog post at least two times a week

Now go down that list and  enthusiastically talk about and imagine you doing it RIGHT NOW!!! The mind can’t tell the difference between you just thinking something and actually doing it and studies show that if you get in the habit of visualizing, it is more likely that you WILL actually do that thing you are imagining yourself doing. Get excited, get detailed. Go over with a friend your vision, Picture the room, the people involved, the sounds, the smells. Most importantly picture it and feel it. Just witness how much energy you free up this next week or month and only commit to things you can complete. Be truthful. It’s better to not make any commitments then to leave commitments unfulfilled. Not only will you lessen the number of spinning plates but you’ll be able to gear more love into each one, producing amazing results. Keep me updated!!!

the higher your energy level the more efficient your body the more efficient your body the better you feel copy

xoxo,

 barista

Creating “Miracles” from Juicing

After 93 hours of juice fasting, I had my first full meal on Friday night. I went into the fast with the “I’ll TRY” attitude and never really intended to make it through 7 days. Hell I never though I’d make it far past 1 day but I did a whole heck of a lot better than I imagined. I also feel like I learned so much in the time period I did it.

1

The first two days for me were soooooo incredibly hard. You already read how the first day went, well day 2 went pretty similar. I had the same typical obsessive thoughts about food and relating the WANT to taste and chew something to the thought of starvation. More headache and a little light-headedness. I started the morning sipping a juice and had another smoothie at lunchtime which held me over the rest of the work day. I then came home and got ready for the gym. This time I was able to get into a Zumba class so I didn’t have to worry so much about doing boring cardio and thinking about food the whole time.

My son had come to the gym with me and afterwards he wanted some food from Chick-Fil-A. They do have some of the best chicken nuggets I’ve tasted so I knew this was going to be hard. While in the line I was thinking “Maybe I’ll just get the three-piece chicken tenders”. I ordered his food and the attendant ask the closing question, “Would you like anything else?”. As much as I wanted to order me some tenders, I replied “No, that’s it”. I was proud of myself for not giving in. Or as I like to say, telling my “fuck it” brain to fuck off!

He was eating in the back seat and by the time he got home he said he was done. I put him to bed and went back downstairs to check out the left over food. There was one chicken nugget and some french fries. I wanted to throw it all away but my mind got the best of me and I ate the chicken nugget. Knowing that I was going against what I had wanted, I took the french fries and fed them to the dogs. I then went upstairs and went to bed. The funniest thing happened next

I was asking my boyfriend how he was doing with the fast, he said he was fine. I asked him if he had any food at all. He said no at first and then I was telling him how someone had eaten the nuts that were in the pantry. He then broke down and said “Ok, I ate some”. I laughed and said “Oh, so you lied to me”. He answered saying that he was lying to himself. Isnt that something familiar? I’m pretty sure we all try to lie to ourselves about certain things. We act as if we can believe the lie then maybe whatever it is didn’t really happen or exist. We try to make ourselves feel better, not by accepting the truth, but trying to believe a lie.

It was funny because the next thing I said was “OK FINE, I had one of the chicken nuggets”. It was like we both wanted to lie, but honestly it felt so good to tell the truth. It was so funny at the same time because here we are both admitting to eating very small portions of food as if it were bad and we didn’t want to go to hell. There was no judging, we laughed about it and went to sleep.

After I made it past day 1 and 2, I was figuring day 3 was my goal. I wanted to make it through 3 days and see how I felt. Day 3 was a breeze. I hadn’t really thought much about eating at all. I felt like I had the most energy I’ve had in the earlier 2 days and my “starvation” had gone away. I heard usually  after 2-3 days the hunger goes away and I wanted to know if that was true and how not being “hungry” after 3 days of not really eating anything felt.  I felt awesome I and I felt like I had reached my point of satisfaction.

Since we are telling the truth here, ONE of the main reasons I was interested in starting the fast was to lose weight. I had gained weight and was 10 lbs heavier than normal. After spending the last couple months binge eating and eating horribly, the calories had got me. So I was excited to lose a few pounds, especially before leaving for Bali in a few days. The other reason was still true though, I wanted to challenge my discipline and get my control  back. After these last few days, became just an added bonus to what I really got out of it.

I knew that food had a hold on me. During that time period I was gaining ten pounds, I knew so many times when I had eaten stuff I knew inside I didn’t really want to eat but had given in to what I played off as a “weakness”. Its amusing when you actually notice those moments in which you have to make a decision either go towards what your inner self is aligned to or go against it. One of the most important steps in making any type of change is being able to recognize those moments. Do I continue down the path of which I am used to, or do I choose something different? Choosing the path you are used to is usually the easy choice. Usually when it’s easy, you aren’t learning. That moment you decide to choose something different then what you are used to, you have created, what Gabrielle Bernstein would call a “miracle” and you have opened the door to learn something new.

choice_preview

Throughout this process I’ve had  a few of those moments. The first 20 minutes I was in work I had this moment while staring at chocolate. In 9/10 cases I would have chosen to eat the chocolate. I debated over it in my head and I chose to do something different. I chose to stay on the path in which I wanted to follow. And guess how I knew that was the right path? Because it felt good! I didn’t regret my decision and I didn’t feel bad about it. One of the sure-fire ways to know you are aligned is…YOU FEEL GOOD! A few times I gave in and did what I would normally do. When I ate the pineapple on day 1, I was in that moment and decided to go against myself. I knew the moment right before I chose to eat it that I was eating it because I was making a “fuck it” choice. Something inside of me KNEW that I didn’t need it, that I didn’t want it, that eating it wasn’t aligned to my true choice but that part of me that is used to giving in, gave in.

During the time that I was fasting, especially after making it through day 1 and 2, I realized that I have so much more control over my choices then I give myself credit for. Even through the moments I gave in, there is something to be said about taking responsibility over those choices as well. Realizing that every moment I have a choice and taking full responsibility for my choices, even if they are against my inner self, gives me a sense of freedom. Cutting the excuses and releasing the blame can be very empowering.

Being able  to get through these few days showed me that all the excuses and blame I placed on why my eating habits were the way they were, didn’t really exist. There was no truth behind the excuses or the blame. All the excuses or blame did was made me feel powerless to the choices I was previously making. “I have a sweet tooth”, “I’ll start eating better tomorrow”, “I already fucked up so why stop”. Being able to hold a steady ground pushed those statements out the door.

The best part is, when I did decide to eat on Friday, I was at ESPNZone and there were so many bad things I could have gotten. But again, I had that moment in which I had to make a decision. Trust me, I wanted nothing more than to have some hot wings or some artichoke and spinach dip but in that moment I knew that those things weren’t aligned to my goals so I chose a chicken salad with the dressing on the side.

Now that I have tested myself and I have proof that I can stay on the path in which I want to follow, there is absolutely no excuse or blame for going the other way. If in moments I choose to go the other way, all I have to do is take  responsibility and learn from it. I believe those moments in which I “gave in” were necessary to further that lesson.

I know that I don’t have to eat a chocolate every time I see it. I know that I’m not  gonna die just because I’m not “chewing” something. I know that I don’t have to pick the most unhealthy meal just because it’s an option. I know that if I can  handle a few days of not eating food, that when I do eat it, I don’t have to go overboard. I know that  I have become more mindful to the thoughts that play out in my head and the control I was letting them have on me. I am more mindful of my actions. In that I can be more mindful to my habits and turn them into intentions.

Even though I had a meal on Friday and a meal on Saturday.  I don’t think I am done with the lessons quite yet. I am going to continue on this “juicing” journey. I will place no restrictions on myself but I will continue to pay attention to my mind and my body and listen to what it is teaching me.

My challenge to you is, try to become aware of those moments in which you have a choice…. and choose differently. Even if its something small. Those small “miracles” will lead to great change!

xoxo,

barista

My List!

So remember the other day I wanted you all to make a list of things you wanted to do/change. My main goals are to take care of myself. Mind, body, and soul. I want to naturally just feel better and learn to love myself more. I want to be a better mother. Spend more quality time with my son and cherish every moment. I want to become a better partner for my fiance. Choose love first. I want to be a better friend. Be supportive and present. Be a better daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, etc. A better person for myself and all around and involved in my life. This is being a great contributor to society. Learn from others and inspire others to  learn from me. Live in my truth and become more and more my authentic self. That’s what it’s about. Figuring out who you are and living your word.

Here are 35 things that are on my list and it’ll continue to grow throughout the year:
(in no particular order)

1. Spend at least 5 minutes a day deep breathing

2. Juice every morning

3. Stop drinking alcohol for a year

4. Eventually Blog every day

5. Find consistent guest bloggers

6. Read more books (and finish them)

7. Be kind and affirming to myself (and everyone for that matter)

8. Work out 3 times a week or more

9. Go hiking at least once a month

10. Play more games with my son

11. Do a 24 hour water/juice fast once a month

12. Take my son to the park  more or have more playdates

13. drink at least 64oz of water a day

14. Eat siginficantly less amount of processed sugar and foods in general

15. Stretch in the morning

16. Tell the truth

17. Give up being right

18. Learn to meditate better and do it everyday

19. Try Kundalini Yoga

20. Call my mother at least 4-5 times a week

21. Get a facial and/or massage once a month

22. Be more supportive to my fiance

23. Keep my hair curly and enjoy it

24. Create more love, peace, abundance, happiness within myself.

25. Photograph 2 or more weddings

26. Keep a gratitude rock

27. Discover Los Angeles . Visit all the different places I can. Lived here on and off since 2004 and barely been anywhere.

28. Eat at different unique places.

29. Spend at least 1-2 days a week without watching TV

30. Start mentoring through “The Daily Love”

31. Volunteer for an organization

32. Run 3 miles without stopping

33. Send my friends/family birthday cards

34. Wake up at 6am to start my day during the week, by 9am on weekends

35. Surround myself with more positively inspiring people

 

What are 5 things that you want to do/change/become better at?? It’s time to get clear!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

xoxo,

barista

How Do I Know When To Stay Or Go?

I am reposting this article written by Kute Blackson via The Daily Love  because I get into conversations like this constantly with people. He writes it perfectly!!

So many people stay in relationships when they are not even happy at all simply because they are afraid to be alone, they don’t want to feel the pain of ending it, or because they’ve been in the relationship for so long anyways. All of your relationships, friends and lovers a like, should be promoting and supporting each others growth and authenticity. A relationship, of any kind, is a connection between people and it takes all involved for it to work. If any one person stops their part, there is no point to continue. Do you have to dislike or be mean to them? No! but you certainly don’t have to be in a relationship with them either.

Here’s what Kute has to say:

We come together in relationship with another for our evolution and growth.

The people you attract are simply mirror manifestations in that moment in time that reflect who you are.

Yet who you are is constantly changing, evolving and growing.

Who you are when you first met your partner won’t necessarily be who you will be a year from now, let alone a month from now.

Relationship is really not about the duration that you stay with someone, but the degree to which you both grow, evolve and become more authentically your true Self. Staying in a relationship where you are both no longer growing simply because that is the thing to do based on societal standards, or because you made commitment 25 years ago, is not authentic.

Authenticity is to feel the depth of who you both are now, and fully be in the moment together with total honesty and love.

Then you can see if you are both still a vibrational match for each other today, not based on a commitment made years ago.

Relationship is when you come together with a commitment to serve eachother’s evolution, and grow together in a similar direction at a similar pace. The bottom-line commitment being “I commit to serving your Soul’s growth.”

Once one of you no longer has that commitment, and is clear about that, then you no longer have a relationship even if you stay together physically.

As you both serve each others evolution and keep growing together, then your relationship can keep reinventing itself to higher levels, rather than staying a stale version of what was. Your relationship becomes an ever-expanding exploration of Nowness.

But when one person stops growing or no longer has a commitment to serve the other, it begins to shift the dynamic. The question to ask is simply, “Are we both growing as Souls, becoming more expanded, loving, and authentic versions of ourselves in this relationship?”

If the answer is no, and there is no more commitment to serve each other’s growth, then your relationship is over. So long as there is a commitment to serving each other, even if it is challenging (which relationships can be) you can keep growing together.

The real success of relationship isn’t simply how many years you have been with someone, but how much you grew and realized your authentic self.

Certain people show up in your life to simply serve a function of helping you see a part of yourself that you get to reclaim or heal. It might last a few weeks, months, years or a lifetime. But you come together to learn those lessons, and once those lessons are complete, so is the relationship.

So, feel into finding the form of the relationship that allows the greatest love to be expressed. Sometimes we stay together out of obligation, but that serves no one really, simply causing us to withhold love. The truth serves all concerned, even if it might not seem that way at first. The truth will ultimately dissolve limits and cause expansion.

Sometimes breaking UP the form and finding a new way of relating with your partner simply allows you be able to love them without the limited expectations.  Staying in a relationship when you are no longer in love, growing or committed is living death.

As the form of your relationship changes either through a break up, divorc or death, let the loving remain constant.

No forms last forever.

Only Love is real.

Just because a relationship ends does not mean the LOVING needs to.

Be committed to the loving no matter what happens.

Then you are free.

The rest are just details.

Love.Now

Kute

My Truth: Finding Freedom

ok ok here goes… I know I was bordering avoidance. I know I teased you guys a few posts ago about doing something that took a lot of strength. The strength was this… I had to tell the truth! Seems so simple right, but expressing truth is one of the hardest things for people to do. To fully own themselves, good and bad.

“If you are in any way keeping a secret, or if you are in any way pretending to be something that you are not, you will never ever become all that you were meant to be. It just cannot happen.”  -Oprah

A while ago, I had discovered the one most powerful thing I wanted was to have as much freedom as I could get. Freedom from this man made prison built within my own mind. Well Freedom = Truth. So to grasp freedom, one has to learn how to grasp truth. Based on how much our ego runs the show, it’s hard for many of us to even recognize what our real truth is. We have who we are, and who our ego wants us to be. Ego likes to think we are all seperate, therefore it is CONSTANTLY comparing us to others as better or worse. In reality, to our soul, we are all the same. Learning to recognize this one concept will help you discover what your truth is. One of my goals with this blog is to question and test my beliefs and be able to share what I experience by doing so. All those great quotes and articles we read and share …yes they make sense, they sound right, but how often do we test them to see how they relate to us.

When you express your truth, you know that those attracted to your life are there because they accept you for who you are. What I consider to be the highest form of relationships, is that built off of truth. I’m sure in your head you are saying, “of course Barista… we all want relationships based this” or maybe you’re even saying, “I don’t know about you, but I already have relationships based on truth”. My response to you is “Yes you say that, but do you really?”

Try to think about all the restrictions you have in your life put on by you or others. Is it possible to have freedom with restrictions? And I’m not talking about restrictions like rules and laws you have to follow in society, but restrictions placed on your need of expression. To express how you feel, what you want, who you are. What are some reasons people are afraid to express themselves? Fear of hurting someone, fear of losing someone, fear of not being accepted… common theme is FEAR. This fear makes us hide what we think…what we feel…who we are. When we are hiding even a piece of who we are, we are then pretending to be something we are not. When you are pretending to be something you are not, then how can you ever be who you are suppose to be. Like Oprah said, it’s IMPOSSIBLE!   

 Back in March I had read Oprah’s quote above, and it resonated with me instantly. But still I was convinced that I could get over telling the truth by just becoming a better person and moving forward. If I was going to be a better person then what good was the truth to know. See that’s the thing. There is no change without truth. There were plenty of lessons being taught in this one experience and that was one of them I was ignoring. What happens when we don’t learn the lesson? It keeps coming back in different form until we decide to get to finally get it. I couldn’t just stop and be a better person if I couldnt be truthful. So guess what? All the times I thought I could just stop and move forward, I couldn’t…because people don’t make change by avoiding the truth, they change by confronting the truth.

I recently had to reveal myself to a friend which meant not only did I have to tell the truth, but I had to be vulnerable. Vulnerability = Truth. My truth was that I was going through some pain and insecurities and to mask that I was “acting out” in ways to prove my insecurities and pain right. I knew this acting out wasn’t who I was and I felt shame for it so I then was hiding how I was acting out. I felt restricted from being able to express my insecurities and what I was going through out of  fear of not being understood. But do you see how I created this prison for myself. I didn’t KNOW if I was going to be accepted or not. I just feared it. And through this fear I created shame. And through this shame I was punishing myself for something that wasn’t even true.  When you act out in order to mask your true self, it’s usually a temporary feel good but in the long term you end up feeling bad. When you feel bad, all that means is that you aren’t aligned with whats in your heart. I didn’t like the person I was “acting out” as so I became dedicated to figuring out how to heal the real fear and pains. How on earth do I EVER expect to build relationships and expect people to accept my truth and share with me theirs if I wasn’t accepting it myself?

Every time you lie, big or small, you are hiding a piece of who you are and how you feel. By telling the truth I understood were ways my friend could react to it. Was I afraid? Of course I was. I was so afraid that just thinking about telling the truth made my heart beat fast, my palms get sweaty and I practically had an anxiety attack. That’s how I knew I had to do it…because I was uncomfortable. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is the best way to learn though and if I wanted to learn truth I had to live truth.  If I wanted someone to accept me for who I was, I had to reveal who I was. I learned who I AM was not who I was being. Suddenly hiding and lying was no longer an option. Instead of it coming down to, is this person going to accept me or not, it came down to do I accept myself? As long as I accept myself then those that dont accept me dont deserve to be in my life in the first place. There was a sense of peace in accepting my truth and placing that first. How did I know if this other person was or wasnt going to accept who I was if I didn’t just admit who I was. So there I was, on the edge of the cliff…. I could stand there staring down scared of what would happen or I could jump into the arms of freedom. You can’t learn to fly if you don’t jump first.

So I did it. I jumped. I told the truth. At that moment I was jumping into my freedom and into my expression and into being myself.

I knew in that moment of truth that I was owning who I had been and what I did.  Did that make the lying and hiding ok? Absolutely not but I was taking responsibility for whatever the outcome. These lies and hiding had nothing to do with any other people and ALL to do with ME. I know the lies and hiding and my “acting out” wasn’t who I was destined to be. I had to deal with accepting what I was going through and confronting the truth.  These lies weren’t something to be proud of and was hurtful towards another person but when I revealed them I immediately felt free. Not because I didn’t care about the other persons feelings, but because in that moment I was speaking my truth and the truth will set you free. Guess what? They accepted me! So all those fears weren’t even true in the first place. Imagine that 😉

My challenge to you is to figuring out what you are hiding.  What piece of yourself are you keeping locked up?  How are you restricted? What are your fears about expressing your truth?  How can you test those fears unless you be yourself and see what happens? When you lie, notice what you are avoiding? Every time you feel fear its your soul begging for truth. I dare you to jump and experience how it feels to fly!!! We all make mistakes, its the only way to learn. You owe it to yourself to love all of you, mistakes and all. You are owe yourself the truth. You owe yourself freedom. You owe it yourself to be all you are meant to be. When love your truth, someone else will too!

xoxo,