If Trust is Risky, Why Put Yourself On The Line?

Do you find that you have a hard time trusting? Do you wish you could trust more, but you have been so hurt in the past that you don’t know how? If Trust is so risky, why take the chance? Because distrust leads to far worse scenario then trusting ever will. By not trusting, you close the door from anything great happening.

trust

There is one thing I can think of off the top of my head that people have the hardest time placing their trust in. The Future. What could, should, or would happen to us in the future because of some person, place, or thing. We will literally drive ourselves stir crazy wondering “WHAT IF…” about other people and what they can or might do, think, or say to us if we let our guard down (or even when it’s up) and what will happen to us in the future and if something will prevent us from receiving what we want.

Fear is the foundation for distrust. When we distrust we become overly consumed with more fear. We want to keep our guard tower manned with maximum security, making sure we know exactly what’s going on at all times, controlling the situation AT ALL COST. Even if that cost is our own peace and sanity.

That person is not going to get over on me“, “I can’t let that happen to me“, or “what can i do to make sure that ______ never happens to me?”, we tell ourselves. We begin to question ourselves over an over looking for the solution that will finally give us comfort. Yet what we don’t understand is that looking for a solution through the same fearful energy that brought us to this place is near impossible. Whatever solution we come up with, will never be enough because, it too, is produced through fear. We then find ourselves in a cycle of pretending everything is okay yet constantly questioning if it really is. Distrusting doesn’t sound very fun does it?

Ironically, by distrusting, we are trying to prevent something that could potentially hurt us. Yet  the fear that we engulf ourselves in through distrust is doing nothing BUT hurting us. Causing us to feel unsafe which is what we are trying to prevent all along. Distrusting can cause destruction because we are holding on too tight. It closes the door for any other possibility. Trusting on the other hand allows us to let go, and relax. It opens the door for multiple possibilities and better solutions.

Do we remember what gets us to the place of distrusting in the first place? [it’s okay, you can scroll back up if you need to check]. Yes! It’s FEAR. Have you ever really thought about what TRUST entails though? Trusting is like gambling in a way. Even when we think we have 100% chance of winning, do we ever really? Do we ever really know EXACTLY what’s going to happen? Can we control EVERY outside factor to make sure it plays in our favor only? The answer to all three of those question is…. you guessed it, NO! Outside factors in the one thing we DO NOT have control over. We do not have control over other people, places, or things, therefor as much as we would like to predict what the future will bring, we never know that something is going to happen until it happens.

Even if we can predict that something has a 99.9% chance of happening, we still have to save room for that slim chance that it won’t happen the way we think, if at all. It’s that 0.1% chance that will still be attached to fear. But that’s what trusting is. It’s knowing that something MAY not work out in the way we would like it to, but betting on it anyways. Trust takes courage, especially if in the past we may have lost a time or two.

“Whether we are aware of it or not, every act of trust carries with it a shiver of fear. A favorable situation can become dangerous. Deep down we know that life is insecure and precarious. However, if we do trust, the shiver carries with it a philosophical optimism: Life, with all its traps and horrors,  is good… The bet is implicit in trust itself. If we could be sure of everyone and everything, trust would have no value – like money, if it were suddenly limitless, or sunshine, if there were always fine weather, or life, if we were to live forever”
– Piero Ferrucci (The Power Of Kindness)

When you are someone that has a difficult time placing trust in the future, then the second you feel that shiver of fear, you’re alarm goes off telling you that something is wrong. The distrusting begins producing nothing but MORE fear. Remember though, Fear is False Evidence Appearing Real. Unless it’s a life threatening situation (which is not the situations we are talking about here), it does nothing but hold our energy and our action hostage.

So what’s the alternative then? How can you choose to trust instead? When we surrender to the idea that we can’t control everything. Through this surrendering, we come to the conclusion that we are MORE than capable of handling all that life brings our way. When we allow ourselves to acknowledge that trust will ALWAYS carry a little bit of fear, we can become more aware of when we are actively choosing to be in a place of trusting. This can allow us to reroute our alarm system. This time when you witness that shiver of fear arise, instead of the fear multiplying, it is now giving you knowledge that you ARE in a place of trusting and accepting that this ounce of fear just comes with the job. You will be aware that you are trusting because you CHOOSE to trust, and if the worst case scenario happens to take place, we can continue to trust that it’s for our highest good and continue moving forward.

We have the choice to trust or distrust. While we are in a place of distrust, it’s like we are constantly waiting for the bomb to drop. A bomb that may NEVER drop. We spend our time and energy trying to prevent the bomb from dropping. The thing is, if the bomb is meant to drop, it will drop, and you have no more control over it then you do of gravity. So instead of worrying so much about what COULD happen in the future, why not just enjoy your present. And if the bomb ends up dropping, you deal with it then and at least you enjoyed the ride to that point…then you get on another ride. If it never drops, then you continue enjoying that ride wherever it takes you. What’s the point of the ride if you can’t enjoy it? What’s the point of life, if you don’t live?

“In trusting, we let ourselves go. We know that all kinds of unexpected events may come our way. Our tension eases, our mind and our hearts open spontaneously to be possibilities. It is an ever new state of mind, in the present moment, because we have detached from all we know. But it is also a feeling as old as can be, because, before all betrayals and all disappointments, there was a time in which trusting another was the very substance of our life.” – Piero Ferrucci.

Do you have the courage to place the bet?

xoxo,

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Tiny Buddha: 5 Ways You Attract Great People When You Like Yourself More

By Paul Sanders via Tiny Buddha

Picture from: hungryforchange.tv

Picture from: hungryforchange.tv

“By accepting yourself and being fully what you are, your presence can make others happy.” ~Jane Roberts

Several years ago, I was so unhappy with my harsh loneliness that I decided that I was going to try anything under the sun to build a social life and have friends that cared about me.I read all the books I could find and tried all the techniques they shared, but I still had to make a lot of effort to build friendships and hold my social life together.Then I started to learn and apply the principles of self-esteem.I used to think that I needed to be as extroverted as possible. It was exhausting, and people could see that it wasn’t really how I wanted to present myself.As a celebration of my uniqueness, I started behaving a little more like who I am—a little calmer and more interested in the depth of things.While I became less gregarious-sounding, I actually started making more friends, and more genuine ones; and the relationships with them were more solid.I was amazed at those results; I knew that self-esteem would contribute to my happiness, but never thought that being less of a gregarious person would improve my social life.When I met new people, I no longer talked about the trendy subjects that everyone was raving about. I talked about what I wanted to talk about. I expressed my unique perspective.People responded well; it gave them the chance to meet a human being who’s not afraid to express his genuine thoughts and opinions.Self-esteem completely shifted the way I interacted with people and made my social much easier to hold and develop.

Here, I want to dig deeper and share with you 5 reasons why self-esteem can help you have a better, more fulfilling social life. When you have high self-esteem:

1. You have healthy boundaries.

When you like yourself, you no longer have to say “yes” when you mean “no,” and don’t have to make false promises, either. People love to be friends with those who aren’t afraid to say “no.” This strength of spirit inspires them.This character makes people see you as trustworthy. Everyone wants friends they can trust.When you preserve your self-respect and stand up for yourself, you keep more of your energy and value. If you have no boundaries, you and your energy get depleted.

2. You’re naturally a giver of value.

When you like yourself, you believe you have value to offer, so you naturally start to see abundance instead of scarcity. You realize that the world is generous, there is enough for everyone, and we can create even more that didn’t exist before.People can tell that you’re not one of those people who think they have to take value from others to have more.This instantly puts you out of the selfish category. People fear that they’ll end up with selfish friends, who are only there to take whatever they can and give as little as possible. That’s not who they want in their life; they want friends that like them for who they are.Liking yourself indicates that you don’t have any neediness, and therefore, you only hang out with people because you genuinely appreciate them.

3. You know you’re not perfect, and you’re not for everyone; you appreciate your uniqueness.

When you like yourself, you appreciate your uniqueness and have no problem with some people seeing things differently than you. You therefore celebrate your unique talents and opinions.When you appreciate your uniqueness, you tend to cultivate and grow it. That is exactly what makes you an interesting person to be around.For example, if you like Southern Italian cuisine, even if no one you know else does, you start to get more and more interested in it, which means you’ll start to know more about Italian geography, history, and world views. You’ll maybe even go there on vacation.People love being around others who are passionate about something; it inspires them to get passionate about their own interests.

4. You’re cheerful and you can see the good in people.

When you like yourself, you see the good in yourself, but you also see the good in others. This is an instant charmer! People are keen to know if you’ll appreciate who they are and what they have to offer to the world.When you have that positive energy within your own life, you start to project it on to others. First, your cheerfulness catches their attention; second, they realize that you’re not only optimistic for yourself, but for them as well.

5. You’re not overly serious.

Liking yourself means that you’re realistic and can recognize your imperfections, quirks, and mistakes. You know you can improve what you want but will never be perfect, and you’re okay with that.This means you’ll have enough confidence to poke fun at yourself. Other people recognize this, and know that they can have lots of fun around you, as you don’t take yourself too seriously.This also shows a side of you that is vulnerable and completely human. People get fixated on this on the spot because they recognize the same human vulnerability in themselves.Great people reserve a special spot in their life for people who can interact and relate without masks or barriers to hide behind—and that comes from liking yourself.

My Truth: Return Of The Louboutins

Khloe Kardashian Shoe Closet

Khloe Kardashian Shoe Closet

The other day I was looking in my closet and realized I never told the story about the Return of the Louboutins.

SO… If you remember, my birthday was back in January. My fiance (I’m gonna call him J from now on) gave me tons of wonderful goodies that I truly appreciated. This included our trip to Bali, flowers to my work, packages of bath goodies, homemade candlelit dinner, and then dun dun dun……Christian Louboutins. Now many of you probably have heard of Louboutins before but some of you are like “What…he gave you another man?” haha. Not exactly… Just another man’s shoe.

Now let me explain, Christian Louboutin is a guy who designs shoes. Yes shoes. VERY expensive, mainly very unique…shoes. Oh yea and they have a red sole. This red sole has become important because it allows you to tell when someone else is wearing them, distinguishing them from “other” shoes instantly. They are very big in the celebrity world, you’ll see almost every high-profile woman wearing them, especially at events.The first thing that comes to mind when I see someone wearing them is “That bitch is rich”.

Just to give you an idea of how expensive these shoes are, a few months before my birthday J and I were in Vegas celebrating a friend’s birthday. We were in the Caesars Palace mall and happened see a Christian Louboutin shoe store. I had never been in his shoe store and I wanted to see what was so grand…and just how expensive they really were. They had all different types of shoes. I grabbed a shoe that caught my eye, a turquoise pump covered in rhinestone, and I was nervous to check out the price tag. Guess how much they were. They were $6000. Yes SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS. That’s a 6 with 3 zeros after it. WHAT?!?!?!?! The funny thing is, I wasn’t really surprised because I KNEW they were expensive but it was a little weird holding that much money in my hand  in the form of a shoe. J however wanted to stop breathing. Especially when I told him there are Louboutins that cost waaaaay more than that one. Hard to imagine. The average high heel pump cost anywhere from $800-$1000.

I am a VERY big shoe fan. I LOVE shoes. Then again, what woman doesn’t. I had to actually cut back on my Shoedazzle purchases because I realized I hadn’t worn the last 3 pairs of shoes I had gotten because I don’t really go out that often. So one could only imagine my excitement and shock when I opened up my last present to find a box with the name Christian Louboutin written across it. I opened the box and there sat the sexiest pair of blue shoes I’ve seen. (Not the turquoise rhinestone ones from Las Vegas, my man aint that crazy).

I had a mix of emotions I’ll admit. I grew up not always getting everything I wanted, let alone very expensive things. So my mindframe around money can be VERY frugal. I have a really hard time spending a lot of money from a fear of lack. I was excited because they were freakin Loubs but very uneasy at the same time because they were freakin Loubs. That meant they cost a LEAST one or two extra zeros then what I normally spend on shoes.

It was funny because the first thing I wanted to do was show off about how my man just bought me Louboutins but at the same time felt this sort of shame for having them. But of course, being that I don’t usually care nor wear high-end stuff, the need to show them off was stronger. So I posted them on my Facebook of course with the desire to see the response. (Thats what both Facebook and Louboutins are for right?).

Upon uploading the guilt was already starting to set in along with a whirlwind of emotions. Why couldn’t I just accept this oh-so-generous gift that J had gotten me? Was it wrong to feel bad about a gift? After all, it was a gift. Why couldn’t I just suck it up and take em. Was it rude to want to return them? Do I have a problem with feeling worthy enough?

louboutins

I got a few comments on my FB picture…”omg you’re so lucky” “Christian Louboutins…f*cking amazing”. I even got a call from a good friend “omg you have red bottoms, im so jealous”. I explained to her how I was thinking about how I couldn’t keep them because they cost too much. She says “It doesn’t matter they are freakin red bottoms… I’m so jealous of your life”. Right then it kind of hit me more than all the other thoughts before. They are shoes… They aren’t my life! They have nothing to do with the quality of my life.

It got me to start thinking WHY do these shoes portray a fabulous life? Because we have come to associate the quality of our lives, and the lives of others by the material things we posses. Period! Red bottoms = money = status = importance… on and on and on. They are probably the Ferrari of shoes right now. It’s become so wired that most of us haven’t even seen a Christian Louboutin in person, let alone tried one on, YET we are trained to love it so much, to admire and desire it…simply because it has a red sole. Think about that! Hey, maybe that’s just my view but judging by the reaction of other people to my gift I know I’m not the only one.

It was coming to that conclusion that I finalized my decision. Being that I am on my path of self growth, part of that is toning the ego down. Trying not to compare myself to others, not defining the quality of my life by the things I possess. I’m in the process of discovering my importance INSIDE not by the value of outside factors.

Did a part of me want to just take the shoes, HELL YES but a bigger part of me knew that it just wasn’t me. Never has been. I knew at  least in this moment that by keeping that shoe it would have been more about what they portrayed and less about the actual shoe. I thanked J, let me know my deepest appreciation for his efforts, explained to him how I felt, he understood and we returned the shoes. (cue in screams of women everywhere)

I’m not knocking Christian Louboutins nor am I knocking anyone that adores them. They are very well made, sexy, unique brand of shoe. I am currently just not in the place to wear the price of someones rent on my feet, just because the soles are red. Maybe I should have accepted the present and switched my thoughts to abundance?….maybe I shouldn’t fear money so much?…i dunno? One day I can change my thoughts and definition of “expensive” but all I know is now, aside from my fears over money, I simply value my dollar and that money was better spent on numerous other things. One day I’ll be able to freely have it all. But until then, I feel like i was being true to myself and I didn’t have to define the quality of my life by a red bottom.

I’m curious… sometimes its hard to see outside of ourselves…what are your thoughts? Should I have just accepted the gift? Being that I didn’t pay for it myself, do you think this had to do with me not feeling worthy enough to accept something nice? OR are these shoes, and similar items clearly just about status versus the actual value of the item? How could I have kept it without feeling guilty, esp thinking about all the other things I want but cant afford yet?  Leave your thoughts belows. THANKS

xoxo,

barista

FREE Virtual Conference With Gabrielle Bernstein

AWESOME NEWS FOLKS:

Are you ready to work miracles?

Gabrielle Bernstein believes that simple, consistent shifts in our thinking and actions can lead to the miraculous in all aspects of our daily lives, including our relationships, finances, bodies, and self-image.

Join us for the May Cause Miracles Virtual Conference March 25-29, 2013!

In this free online conference, based on her best-selling book, Gabrielle will be bringing together 20+ miracles workers including Marie Forleo, Kris Carr, Danielle LaPorte,  Mastin Kipp, Nick Ortner and many others who will share about releasing fear and allowing gratitude, forgiveness, and love to flow. All of which, ultimately, lead to breathtaking lives of abundance, acceptance, appreciation, and happiness.

What you need to know
Dates: March 25-29, 2013 (schedule forthcoming)
Price: FREE
Where: Sign up online HERE

I hope you will join us in getting honest about fear – letting it go – and moving into gratitude, forgiveness, love and your happiest life!

xoxo,

barista