So I have been a little M.I.A (and no that’s not Miami) for the last month or so. So many changes have happened and truthfully I just didn’t make time for the blog. I beat myself up for it a bit but then realized that it’s ok to take a break! Sometimes when you take a break and sit out for a bit you can come back refreshed and brand new.
So upon starting this little post I decided that I want to really give my true authentic self. I know I have said this over and over andddd over again but it’s the part I struggle with when it comes to this blog. I worry so much about readers and followers that I don’t focus much on just allowing my inside to shine out. No expectations. When you have no expectations is when you can allow yourself to receive the highest results and most times that can come in ways we NEVER expected.
I decided it’s about time for me to start a routine to have that time to myself in order to touch on the feelings that are usually pushed aside. I realized that as in tuned with my SELF as I am, I am just as much out of tune. Ever get asked, “How are you feeling?” and your typical answer is “Good” or “I’m okay”. Do you even know that means to you? Do you REALLY know how you’re feeling? Can you accurately describe your feelings? How do you know you feel that way? What in your body is telling you so? These are questions most of us don’t even think about before uttering the expected “I’d doing good”. If you don’t know the answers then how do you know that how you describe to be feeling is even accurate to whats really going on? The only way to find out is to start investigating the truth behind the words.
As mentioned in my very first blog, I am an avoider. I avoid FEELING. So as part of my routine I want to start to meditate and sit with my feelings and write from my heart and from what I feel. This way it can come from a pure place, even if painful, instead of a place in which I need validation or recognition. I used to get so scared about writing… “what if I’m not good enough” but if I allow myself to write about whatever comes up I can do no wrong because that is what needs to be dealt with at that time.
I just finished my first mediation partially guided by a small script in Gabrielle Bernstein’s book “Add more -ing to your life”. I downloaded some relaxing meditation music and just focused on breathing. I sat on my couch, put my hands to my side and took deep breaths in. I worked on focusing where the pain was coming from. At first I thought my stomach and I was trying to breathe through the pain. Then as I was doing that I started thinking “well why would it come from my stomach, shouldnt it be my heart or something”. There’s that expectation again. I wasn’t even sure if anything was really coming from my stomach either at that point.
After taking a few deep breaths, my head started to feel like it was floating and it started moving what felt very slowly but uncontrollably. It fell back against the couch and slowly was moving up and down , left and right. I immediately thought about “Ask and It Is Given” when Abraham got Esther’s attention and of course I then started trying to figure out if my head was making letters. Yup expectation again! When I caught myself I re-focused back on breathing and just allowing whatever was happening to just happen. It almost felt like a masseuse was guiding my head in circles trying to loosen it up and get my to just relax and let it in.
Maybe that was my answer… Maybe that is where my pain is located. In my head. Maybe in all my expectations. I will have to touch on that more but it was an enlightening experience none the less and led me to start up this post and come back to My Mornin Coffee. So here we go, with intention to let the expectations go, starting with this blog. This is not a “normal” post for me…there is no “message” but some times maybe there doesn’t need to be. Some times the words just need to be free with nothing in mind but to glide. And I will allow that to be ok.
Thanks for having me back!